Life, through my eyes…..

The Enthralling Return

2012-01-19T23:37:00.001+05:30

Statutory Warning - Adult Content. Please do not read if you think it could be inappropriate.

Grabbing her car keys, Nilima hurriedly gave the room one last look before she stormed out. She smiled as she walked down the patio and into the garden. A mixed fragrance of hyacinths, lilies and roses filled her nostrils and all she wanted to do was go back and sit on her newly set up cane furniture, gazing at the pretty flowers they had chosen with great care. But since she had no time, Nilima pushed the thought away and hurried on. However, Nilima couldn’t help but smile as she almost reached her car. If he had been here this moment watching the super-excited-clumsily-walking-Nilima, she was sure he would have fallen in love with her all over again.

******

“So, do I get to go back home or you plan to keep me standing here all night in this cold”, asked Akshay with his right eyebrow raised and a sulking look on his face. It was his usual way of putting up questions he already knew the answers of. And Nilima knew that his playful sarcasm was at an all time low for he was too tired after the flight. He was capable of making such mocking remarks that sometimes she couldn’t even understand if he was genuinely teasing her or it had come straight from the devil’s mouth. Nevertheless, she knew that he would never be rude to her.

Nilima let out a little laugh and grabbed the old suitcase with nearly rugged casters. “Of course baby, let’s get going”, she said. “You must be tired”.

“Finally, someone’s brain has started responding”, he mocked again, this time with a naughty smile on his face. She ignored him but was pleased that his old self would return by the time they reached back home. They walked towards the car, which she had parked right outside the entrance hoping that the cops wouldn’t notice. Akshay and Nilima got into the car and yet again he teased her for leaving the car there. While they drove back home, he told her about the meeting he had with the chairman of the company he worked for. Not that Nilima didn’t know about it already, they had talked about the meeting thrice before but an altogether different conversation picks up when two people talk about it when they are physically present in the same room, or a car in this case.

When they reached home, she glanced at her wrist watch, which she got as a gift from her dad on her 23^th birthday, and checked the time. 4 hours earlier, she was at home, tidying up the room for his return. He hadn’t been gone too long, but in the past one month she had terribly missed him. This was the longest period of separation after they had gotten married, exactly an year ago. Yes, it was their anniversary today and what a day Akshay had chosen for his return. If it hadn’t been for this business trip, they would, perhaps, have been holidaying, infact honeymooning for the second time, in some exotic location.

While Nilima was caught in her own thoughts, she felt his arms circling around her waist. She thought he would pull closer but he just held on to her in a very casual manner. She looked at him in his eyes, smiled and said, “Happy Anniversary darling.”

“Happy Anniversary to you too”, said he. And added, “I am so glad I came back today. I love you Nilima. I really do.” With that he bent down a little and their lips met. He could taste her vanilla sugar lip gloss and it reminded him of their college days when she deliberately used to tease him every time she applied the flavoured lip gloss. That taste assured him that Nilima had something special for the night. He opened his mouth and lightly bit her upper lip. And before they knew it, they were passionately kissing, their lips interlocked like they would never separate. Nilima was so immersed in the magic moment that she did not realize that he had already unzipped her purple dress.

For a split second their lips separated, while he pulled out her dress. It was then that he noticed what she was wearing beneath the dress could have made him fall to his knees - an almost transparent black bra. It is probably true that a majority of men get aroused on seeing a black bra, and if it was as skimpy as Nilima’s, then it really must be something. Akshay could feel himself getting harder. As if reading his minute, she put her hand on his jeans just below his belt and pulled the zipper down. She didn’t have to search for his thing for it was already up to its maximum. As she took it out from its hideout, she stroked it. With her index finger, she rubbed it while circling around the dick head. Slowly, and rather teasingly, she reached to the bottom and grabbed his balls. Akshay almost let out a shout, more in excitement than in pain. He loved when she did this. He felt an urge to insert his manhood into her but he didn’t. He had given her the charge and he would let her do as she pleased. Sometimes it is better to let things proceed in the way a woman wants for she knows exactly what her man desires.

Nilima almost tore off his clothes and took him to the bedroom. She pushed him onto the bed and crawled in too. Akshay lay straight on his back, his hormones ready to burst any moment. Nilima squatted on top of him and started racing her fingers in uneven paths all around his body. Her touch roused him further and he could wait no longer. When he was just about to push Nilima to the bed, she moved from her current position, reached out to his penis and brought her mouth closer. Instantaneously, she put it inside. She could feel the heat growing as she sucked it with all her might. Akshay unhooked her bra and cupped her boobs. He wanted to eat them up. The moment was intense and he couldn’t wait. He pushed her and began to bite her light brown nipples. She screamed but he wasn’t going to leave her. While she lay, almost out of breath, he licked her all over starting from the neck, moving on to the ear lobe and moving down. His tongue circled her left nipple and gradually moved on to the right; and then all the way down to her waist. While his tongue was on an exploration, he inserted his fingers inside her cunt. She was all wet down there and the immense heat inside her made him tremble. As his one hand worked on her inside, the other went on to rub her clitoris. She cried in excitement. She gleamed with joy. Her wet bottom was craving for him. As the night would have demanded, she couldn’t wait to feel him inside her. Taking her clue, he slowly inserted himself inside her; both of them lost in a world of sensuality, passion, divinity and, above all, love!

New Year Resolution, With a Difference

2012-01-01T12:23:00.000+05:30

So the new year is finally here. Phew! That was too much of a wait. It seems that I had been waiting for this day since many years. Many many years. Really!

And now that it is finally here, there is a lot to do in this new year. I spent the last month of 2011 thinking. Thinking about how the year went by and how the new year should start. There are a lot of changes that I need to make, but there was one thing which I was really hooked on to. Something that made me realize that I have not been good. Call it peer pressure or whatever you want, but I have not been a good person. What I mean to say is that when I look back, I see a woman who has been selfish and has only thought about herself. This is not how I was and I hate playing the selfish woman.

So, my new year resolution is that I will go back to being what I was three years ago. Simple. Straightforward. Easy going. And most importantly, 'unselfish'. And trust me, it is just going to be very easy. The only thing that I need to do is to be my own self. And I will not lend a ear to those who would come and warn me about how this behaviour of mine would invite troublemakers, and how I am making myself susceptible to be used by the meany people.

Well, the secret lies in giving. And that is exactly what I am going to do.

So, here is to a new start, a new beginning.

Lemme wish each one of you a very happy new year. May all your wishes come true and your lives be filled with sunshine, laughter and happiness.

Be what you are, and you'll be happy.

Cheers.

Let his soul rest

2011-12-19T19:16:00.000+05:30

Death is inevitable, and whether willingly or unwillingly, everyone will enter the grave.

But it is just too disheartening to see a 50 year old man dying, leaving 3 daughters behind. And it was just last weekend that we all met for lunch and had a jolly good time together. And the same day, he put his hand over my head and told me that I worry too much about life and that I shouldn't. Sadly, I didn't know that those would be his last words to me.

My mamaji left for his heavenly abode early this morning. I was so shocked that I don't think I could have faced the family. I didn't go to the see the last rituals being performed. I know I'll cry. I don't want to face the family, and I would not know what to say to them. Why is it that the most helpful and the most caring people are the ones who die earlier?

Oh God, please promise me that you'll take care of him.

May his soul rest in peace!

After all, it is just a thin line

2011-12-13T19:45:00.000+05:30

I trust you, I always did,
I knew you would be there,
to hold my hand, not once but always,
to wipe my tears, not once but always,
to make me smile, not once but always.
Sometimes, I felt my expectations were rising
But no, they weren't really expectations
It was faith.
I trust you, I always did.

For years and years, we have been together
laughing and loving
like a happy couple.
You did hold my hand,
wipe my tears and make me smile.
Overwhelmed with the love I got,
the curve of trust rose like a mountain.

While I was too enthralled in your love,
I failed to notice the evil you,
that part of you
which had been cheating on me, not once but always
Maybe I was blind, but I really didn't see
that you were never mine.
I trusted you, I always did.

I don't know why you back-stabbed,
but I was hurt, really hurt,
perhaps, too dumbfounded to react.
I trusted you, I always did.
I fail to understand what went wrong
If you never loved me
then why did you make me believe that you do.

You proved me wrong this time,
I thought we were like the calm water of the river
but you made it seem more like an unguarded ocean,
susceptible to the fierce tidal waves,
turbulent in the surging waters.
I really trusted you,

but you were the one

who forced me to change sides.

PS: I had something this on my mind for a few months but never really sat down to write. Now the mood was right and the emotions flowed. Hope, it didn't turn out to be bad.

All That Glitters is not Gold - It Could Be The Diwali Pomp and Show

2011-10-29T12:16:00.000+05:30

Diwali definitely drains out all the energy and leaves one exhausted. There was so much to do that I did not get any time to write. Cleaning the house, painting the diyas, cooking, travelling across the city is what makes it so hectic. And not to forget the rangoli, which I am so possessive about. Really, for me Diwali is more about rangoli than sweets and gifts (awrite, I admit I love gifts). If I don't make the rangoli and paint the diyas, Diwali does not seem to be Diwali. And you would be surprised to know that I painted about 10 dozens of diyas this year, much more than what I usually paint. When I was done with the diyas, my happiness knew no bounds. 12 dozens was something. 120 diyas. Woah... I still can't believe I did it.

I did not take any picture of the diyas but they looked the same as last year's. But the colours I used this time were better and more vibrant than the usual blues and greens. I so wish I had taken a picture.

But you haven't missed the most special part. Ladies and Gentlemen, so here's presenting you the most difficult rangoli I ever made..

tadaaa...

Isn't it amazing?

Sadly, when it was time to light the diyas, some asshole spoilt it. My detective eyes told me that it wasn't a kid for sure. Someone wearing shoes, probably, size 7 spoilt it and he did it deliberately. I could even see fingerprints running through it. How could people do that? Don't they feel ashamed in spoiling someone's hard work?

Well, it really did spoil my mood. If I come to know who did it, I would definitely blast them off.

Anyway, there was no point crying over spillt milk, so I went along with the celebrations, put a smile on my face and got my picture clicked with my rangoli.

Its me

The thing is that I had a good time.

Now that the festivities are over, Formula 1 is the next big thing and if you are in Delhi, you wouldn't miss it for sure even if you have absolutely no idea about racing. And if you don't have the tickets, being a dilliwala, you sure would have tried all your connections and contacts. I did it too and I am proud to be a true Delhiite. I am going on Sunday and would definitely fill you up with the details.

Hope you guys too had an amazing Diwali.

So long.

A Productive Break from the Office

2011-09-28T19:05:00.000+05:30

I have just returned from a workshop that was organized by my company. "Planning, Organizing and Managing Time and Resources" is what the workshop was named. The title is self-explanatory and if you ask me, the workshop was about things that I already knew. However, as a human being, we tend to ignore certain aspects of our lives, which require immediate attention but are ignored out of our sheer ignorance or, simply, out of laziness. For me, this workshop was a great help since it made me recapitulating things that I had forgotten.

Well, I am not really going to write about what we talked about in this 2-day training session (unless you guys want me to). Most of us are aware of the 80/20 principle and the Time quadrant matrix, two tools that are excessively used across the world to analyze our lives (personal and professional, both) and bring about a change. Both these tools primarily talk about increasing our productivity, which is what our main goal is.

However, I will not get into the concepts (which simply means that I will leave out the boring details). I'd rather talk about things that were interesting and truly made me think. In simpler words, this post is not dedicated to the session entirely but contains issues, problems or solutions that are a clear reflection of what my own introspection has yielded over the years.

To be honest, this workshop made me admit that I do not have a long term goal in life. I mean, a real goal. And very frankly, I don't think any of my close friends have one too. A real goal. Something that you really, with all your heart, want to achieve. I have come to realize that the most common mistake that people do (including me) is that we do not align ourselves to the goals of the organization we are working for. I mean, there has to be a link. If you look at it from a different angle, imagine yourself in your manager's position and question yourself whether you really want to be in that position. I know a lot of people would have a positive answer to it,just like me, but is it possibly the right track to achieve that goal. Simply put, our personal goals should be in sync with the organizational goals. Sometimes, our own goals are nothing but a derivative of the organizational goals, which is fine, I think.

To understand the link between your personal goals and the goals that are expected of you, it is important that the goals be clearly defined, and documented, if necessary. It is very important to know what you want from yourself and what the company exactly and precisely wants from you (and if the expectations are exactly articulated in the manner you would want to deliver).

Once the goal has been decided, a set of actions must follow.

One of the biggest challenges that most of us face is to strike a balance between our personal and professional lives. Really, it is very difficult to do that. It requires a lot of time management skills.

But as a word of caution, if you overdo with the time management thingie, your goals might somewhere be lost in the maze. To support this theory (or concept), I have a story to share. Well, I was told that this story is hypothetical but I think I could relate to it in a number of ways. "There was one a couple - a husband and wife, leading their normal routine life. The husband was very organized and did everything on time. He was never late for his appointments. And he followed the same in his personal life. Like a good husband, he would always come back home on time. The wife was simply the opposite. She took her own sweet time in whatever she did. And this made the husband unhappy. Once, the husband and wife decided to go for a movie. Being calculative and keeping a buffer travelling time, the husband was ready and out waiting in the car. The wife, on the contrary, took her own time choosing her dress with concern, did a little bit of make up, wore a nice pair of shoes to go with the outfit and eventually came down by the car a bit later than expected. This made the husband very angry and he scolded her for being disorganized and not punctual at all. What happened. They fought and the evening out ended in a disaster."

See, here the point of going for a movie, essentially, is that the couple must spend a few happy moments together to make their weeded life a success. The goal is not to watch the movie (most of the times) but to enjoy the time that they get to spend together. Their married life would have to face the repercussions, if they end up fighting after the movie. The ultimate goal is not achieved. They might as well have stayed back and not gone for the movie in the first place.

What was required here was that both of them understand each other's needs and adapt themselves to each others preferences. The husband should understand the wife's weakness but he should also not force his behaviour on her. On the other hand, the wife must at least live up to the expectations by keeping a buffer time herself, if she knows that she would take extra time to get ready. She must understand what it means to keep somebody waiting. They both must work and re-design their goals and take the necessary actions towards it.

So basically, these goals are not only useful in our professional lives, but also play an important role in our personal lives. A few years back, somebody in my family taught me a golden rule - "Every change that you make in your life must be measurable

Therefore, every step that we take towards achieving our goal must be calculated. Of course, there a few distractions and external factors which are not in our control. But leaving these unpredictable circumstances, every step you take would be a step closer to the goal.

Disclaimer: At the end of the post I realized that majority of the things written out here are not from the trainer's mouth. Every word here is my own and you are free to agree or disagree to it. I still have a lot more to say but I didn't want to make the post too long. I could write about it some other time, maybe.

A much needed hideout

2011-09-27T22:02:00.000+05:30

Sometimes I wish I had a small little hideout away in the woods or someplace secluded. No, not in a house which would be filled with 10 odd people. A place away from all the hustle bustle; far from the city. A place so far that I would have to drive miles away to reach there. A place where I can be alone and can spend my time thinking. A place where I can be what I am. It would be just me. Nobody to knock on my door. Nobody to bother if I ate or not. Nobody to check if I needed something. Just me, alone with my own self. A small room with 4 walls (and a lavish bathroom).

Well, if you leave my present scenario out (I'm upset for a reason I can't figure out), I think everybody should have a little space of their own. Wouldn't it be nice to just stay away from the world when you truly want to be alone. A place where you could enjoy your solitude. Wouldn't it be wonderful if you could just switch between your home and that little secret space of yours.

A place like this

Or maybe, someplace like this. So quiet that you could hear the gushing water

A place away from the city - A drive that itself would rejuvenate you

Wouldn't it be great?

I wish I owned such a place.

And I wish I wasn't afraid of ghosts, who somehow find their way and haunt me, especially, when I am alone.

PS: I still wish that I had a secretive home!

I too expect something in return

2011-09-25T21:08:00.000+05:30

Fathers Day!
Mothers Day!
Grandparents Day!

I wished all of these respective people on days that are entirely dedicated to them. I wished because I consider them a part of my life. I wished them just to make them happy. Even when they weren't near me, a simple phone call or sending across flowers was always my top agenda. Not because I wanted something in return; rather give them a part of me, my own self. And didn't I feel happy. I did.

But every year, Children's Day and, more specifically, Daughters Day is ignored.

Shouldn't the daughters be expecting something in return? If such days are celebrated, then they should be done equally. I do not want any gifts but a considerate blessing would do wonders.

I am super angry right now. I have already goofed up enough today. I do not want to say another word.

Blessings..

When the green grass is actually a shade of grey

2011-09-11T22:04:00.001+05:30

Years have gone by but our country is still a male dominated nation. Perhaps, I am wrong in making a generic statement, but this male dominated society persists in its most cruel form. People still think like they used to a hundred, maybe two hundred, years ago. Their lives may have changed but what has not changed is the way they look at it. And this black dungeon society has been very clearly portrayed in the Shoaib Mansoor film, Bol.

The central theme of this movie, though is based on the increasing demand for a male child, however, it does reflect the male dominance and the consequences that women have to face as a result of their egoistic nature. Ever since I remember, a zillion movies have been produced and another zillion books written on this aspect. We, as individuals of the next generation, claim that our lives have changed and male dominance is a thing of the past. Well, I don't really deny this fact, however, I am not ready to give in to this argument as well.

Men and women, both, claim that today we are more educated and such rust-like traditions no longer exist. Everybody talks about women sharing an equal status with men in all walks of life. I do not say that discrimination against women, exists. But sadly, women still do not have a say in the day-to-day-discussions. Sometimes, it is not because our country is a male dominated society. It is because women have agreed to be dominated by men.

I am a woman too. Perhaps, I would not have agreed openly if given a chance. I say that men have changed and they see women with respect. But deep inside, I know that if a similar situation arises, wherein I would be expected to give in to the male dominance, I gladly would. Infact, I have done this a thousand time before. I have seen other women doing it. I still see men behaving like they control women. And I still see women, allowing men to control them.

Maybe it is the rule of the nature that men are born to speak while women are born to listen.

The movie, Bol, is about a man in Lahore who wishes that a son be born to him. He keeps getting his wife pregnant and girls are born one after the other. The family's financial condition keeps deteriorating while the hungry stomachs keep increasing. One fine day, the family is blessed with a son, but the father later realizes that the child is actually a hermaphrodite. As a result, he grows to hate him. The father in this movie is a perfect example of a man dominating his entire family. He doesn't allow his children to go out of the house. His eldest daughter is rebellious and, therefore, too outspoken for him to tolerate. They often get into conflicts. And if she ever wins an argument, she is thrashed black and blue.

I don't know if such things are still prevalent in our country and the neighbouring ones too. Perhaps, the downtrodden still wish for a boy to be born so that a member to earn money is added to the family. Daughters have always been a liability.

Even in today's world, women, at some point or other, let men dominate them. Time and again, their own existence is questioned. Even in the tiniest of situations, women curse themselves and take the blame for anything that goes wrong.

Why is it always the woman's fault when things turn sour in any relationship?

Why is it that the woman has to keep quiet even when she is not wrong?

Why is it that she has to suffer silently, knowing that her man is the one who ought to be blamed?

Why is it that her life and death depend on someone who is not God?

Like, I said before, we are an educated lot and the grey norms of the society that once existed are no longer the supreme drivers of our life. We may not be following them like they were followed but somewhere they exist in our heads. Menfolks somewhere deep inside have that male dominance remaining while woman still feel inferior.

What Changed Her Life?

2011-08-28T15:31:00.002+05:30

As the early morning rays of the sun fell on the tall trees bordering the small city of Kaliganj, the entire village geared up to complete their household chores. It was just another day for everyone but Kusum, who lay awake on her flimsy charpaai, staring at the thatched roof that would, without a doubt, give way to the rains due this year. But she was not worried about the roof, not the least bit. She had her future to worry about. Exactly 262 days back, she had turned 15. Curious about her body, that morning, she had stared at her reflection in the one and only mirror they had in the house. Taking advantage of her baba being not in the house and her amma tirelessly talking to their neighbour Sukhmani tai, Kusum cupped her breasts in her hands and wondered if they would ever grow as big as her amma’s. Though she belonged to a conservative village where women were not allowed to flash their skins, she was always awed by the big posters that hung near the well just outside their village. She saw the heroines dressed in kinky clothes showing their cleavage. She always wanted to look like them, wear clothes like them, and walk in high heels like them. Day and night, she wished that the good lord would give her an opportunity and let her live that life. Little did she know that one dreadful day in her life would take away her right to dream.

***

2 days after her birthday, clad in a white salwar kameez, she was returning from school, when Kusum was abducted by 2 strange looking expressionless men. She thought they looked strange because their eyes were much fierce than what she had ever seen. They forcibly blind folded her and pushed her in what she thought was a jeep. She always wanted to sit in a car but this journey was an unpleasant one. She was already blinded to what was happening around her, there was a little chance of her escaping the ordeal. Sitting between two bulky men who repeatedly kept falling on her on what seemed like a curve of the road, Kusum felt uncomfortable in her seat. Her legs had been spread and in between she could feel something that seemed like a thick rod. She had seen it before but did not know what it was called. The only thing she knew about it was every car had one fitted in the front seat. The guy on her right kept touching it and every time he pushed it down towards he legs, he would touch her there. She felt the urge to push him away but he was too big for her.

After what seemed like ages, they stopped the car and pulled her out. Instantly, her hands moved to remove the blindfold for she wanted to see where they had stopped but at that very moment she was slapped across her face. Shocked, she gulped hard and decided not to do anything. She thought about her baba and amma. They wouldn’t know about her absence until late that evening. She had promised Lakshmi tai that she would cook for her today. Lakshmi tai was expecting a baby and had nobody to help her. As Kusum thought about her, a tear trickled down her cheek. Innocently, she asked God for forgiveness. An eerie silence enveloped her. Since the time she had been picked up by those men, she hadn’t heard a single word. Those strange looking men did not even talk to each other, though she heard some grunts coming from one of the men, probably the one sitting on her left. Kusum tried to understand what was happening to her when, suddenly, one of the men took hold of her hand and pulled her towards him. She lost her balance and, with a jerk, landed on the floor, her fingers twitching in his burly hand.

Still kneeling on the floor, she felt two hands reach out to her breasts. She wasn’t sure whether he was touching her breasts for pleasure or was her trying to make her stand up. Before she could make up her mind to stand on her feet, she felt another pair of hands on her shoulder that pushed her down. She let out her first scream. They tried to turn in every possible direction but those heavy sets of hands didn’t allow her break free. She tried and tried but the men pinched every part of her body. She cried. All she wanted at that moment was to escape from there. But that was nearly impossible. One of the men, then, tore away her clothes and she had almost nothing on. For a girl, whose sexual organs had not still not fully developed, this was a nightmare. The man pushed himself inside her. Her heart thumped so hard that she felt that she would faint. Sadly, she had to give in.

***

The images were still clear in her mind. She could feel that thumping again. She had felt it yesterday. She felt it every day. No matter how much she tried to forget what happened that day, the memories refused to fade away. She counted each day as it went by, waiting for her wounds to heal. Her baba and amma had supported her, but she knew that they bowed their heads in shame in front of the other villagers. She knew that nobody would marry her and that she would be boycotted soon enough. What had happened to her couldn’t be reverted, but she had to do something that would help her erase the scars. Once again, she dreamt of the heroines-she wanted to look like them, wear clothes like them, and walk in high heels like them. But this time, she dreamt with a little difference. She didn’t have the money to buy elegant clothes nor did she have any means to learn fluent English. But she would gather enough for her to live her life alone. She would give her body away. She would live a life that she did not want to lead but was forced to lead. She would simply sell herself for money.

_______________________________________________________________

These days, the newspapers are filled with shocking incidences wherein minor girls are raped and left on the streets to fend for themselves. Sometimes, they do not even know what is being done to them. Those who are strong enough to handle the pressure are the ones who escape, though with a lifelong scar. Social embarrassment, sometimes, forces them to take up prostitution. We are the ones who constitute the society. We are the ones who can help them stand up again. We are the ones who can help them regain their lost confidence. Instead of blaming and boycotting them, we should accept them back in our lives. That would make all the difference.

It's a Small World After All

2011-07-23T19:39:00.000+05:30

As a kid I believed that I must for sure have a look alike in some other part of the world living a life totally different from mine but perhaps thinking the same thought as me - one day our paths would cross and that would leave us dumbfounded. That 'one day' has not yet arrived and I have probably lived one-third of my life. Not that I expect some miracle to happen but I certainly do not expect that I would meet her ever, even if she is right there living in the farthest town from here. But today, I do believe that it is a small world and you'd be surprised to unexpectedly meet people from all walks of life. Since, something like this happened to me quite recently, I realised that the mere thought of developing a nearly invisible relationship with someone you already know gave me hell lot of goosebumps.

While I sat thinking about how I share a crush with my colleague, whom I didn't even know during my graduation days, I had to admit that it is a small world after all. Okay, let me not try and put it all in one sentence because I am actually ruining the story. I had this thing for a guy in college. We used to travel together in the local bus. Not exactly together. Not atleast for the first few days when we simply gave each other cold stares. Considering how social we both were, it didn't take us too long to become friends. That is when we actually started travelling together. But did I tell you guys that he was too cute to look at. Infact, there is this woman friend of mine who always got jealous whenever I got into a conversation with him. Actually, there was nothing serious about it, neither my friend's jealousy nor that cute guy's attractiveness.

I am no longer in touch with that guy but I was actually a little surprised when my colleague, who studied in the same college as him, told me that he was her crush during those days. He was already very cute and I'd be surprised if he didn't have any girls hovering behind his back but it is a little difficult for me to give in to the fact that my colleague, whom I have known for not more than 4-5 months and who has turned out to become a very good friend of mine, would have had a crush on the guy I used to like myself. The day this secret came out, the two of us had a hearty laugh and I went to crazy with excitement. Small world, huh..!!

I must say that social networking sites, especially facebook, have made this place really worthwhile. I have known cases wherein my friends have known people when there could be possibly no connection between them. A glance at the mutual friends list has, sometimes, sent shivers down my spine, which is why I have grown to believe that it is best to keep a control over our social lives. Frankly, I haven't really spent much time thinking about this but if something exciting like my case could happen then something unfortunate could also creep in. I couldn't help but imagine that if this cute guy had been my ex-boyfriend and had also been my colleague's ex-boyfriend then we could have turned our backs to each other, thereby, spoiling not only our friendship but also our professional relationship. Could happen, isn't it?

Don't read.. It is all crap

2011-07-16T23:26:00.000+05:30

I promise that today you'd find nothing here but crap, so if you are in a good mood consider it as a warning to read no further. It is just my sulk (a result of a not-so-nonchalant mood) that is making me feel a bit out of place. Though the easier way out is simply to put the blame on the viral fever I dealt with this week, but I'd rather take the blame myself because I really really really feel like cribbing. Well, very frankly, if it hadn't been for my silent whining, I would have been really happy at this time of the year, especially with my birthday less than 3 weeks away. I just don't feel the excitement this year. I am actually surprised at the way I am acting (and reacting) with my birthday round the corner. Every July, you would find me doing my birthday shopping and look at me I haven't even started the routine this year. Actually, I do not even want any gifts this year 'coz I am not in mood of a celebration. I am not keeping any expectations from anybody, I said ANYBODY and I mean it..!! I don't wanna feel like a fool every time. And, therefore, I will not let anybody make me feel like one. That is a promise I am making to my own self. No discussions, no arguments.

Well, seriously this ain't taking me anywhere. And so I decided to put the blame on my laptop, which perhaps had had too much of me and decided that we shouldn't be seeing each other too often. It got exactly what it wanted and is not lying on my table, refusing to budge from its decision. So it is because of that bullshit laptop that I couldn't come online and of course couldn't take out the frustration that I had long intended to throw up.

Okay, next in line to take the blame are my friends and my family. Why can't they just understand that I need to share my feelings and I need to speak up in order to vent out the greyness of my life. Is it so difficult to understand? Or maybe I have been expecting too much from them too. And like the laptop, I have decided to end my relationship with these high expectations. I must have said that a hundred time before and have always given myself in to the argument that it is the fondness towards a person that makes you expect more and more. I still agree to this fact, coz it is a fact after all. But I think I'll keep the fondness aside for sometime. It is still not time to open a deck of cards but if you still want to get even, then suit yourself. I am not gonna say a word against anybody. Sometimes, I wish that I hadn't grown up. Not because I miss my own innocence, or the fun times I had or the simple life we lead or even the friends I had around me. I want to go back to being a kid because I was much stronger then. Maybe not stronger but the approach that I had towards life was different and, perhaps, correct.

Wouldn't it be easier to keep our mouths shut especially when the mind is ready to explode? Can't we just keep it all bottled up inside us and not say a word to anybody, whatsoever, whomsoever? Probably be like a champagne bottle that has astonishingly large amounts of carbon dioxide bubbles pushed inside that would disgorge the moment the bottle is uncorked. You could actually leave that part about disgorgement. I'd rather be a champagne bottle with a replaceable cork. That sounds like a much better and healthier idea. Seriously guys, why do we have to be so complicated. I mean here I was talking about how shitty my life has become and I have gotten down to thinking about a champagne bottle and how I could live like the bubble trapped inside. No seriously, this is crazy. I think I am going crazy. I feel I am unable to control my own thoughts. I don't really know what I am talking about and if I am even making any sense or not. To be honest I am not worried about it coz I am already feeling so much better. See, I told you. Cribbing helps. I think I should do it more often. But I was quite serious about the expectation part. We, as human beings, expect a lot from others. I think I am going to try it out very seriously this time. I know I'll be hurting myself more in the beginning when I'll force my brain to stop reacting but I am sure it will be for my own benefit. Oh God, I wish it isn't that difficult. No expectations, please. I think I'll be good without it.

And for those who have actually read this post, you don't really have to leave in a comment if you can't find the absolute correct thing to say. I mean, I would love it if you do say something but that's okay. After all this one was just a piece of shit. Well, actually even I don't say the right things at the right time. And I totally suck at empathizing (read: sympathizing).

God, you better be on my side. I think I am going a bit out of my mind. Bless me. Phew..!!

Happy 'Second' Anniversary

2011-06-08T19:58:00.000+05:30

Indeed it is the second anniversary of my blog. This space has been up since the past 2 years now and I didn't realize that time could fly by so fast. Exactly 2 years ago, I was skeptical about making a blog and was even more skeptical about writing. And if you still do not know the story about how this blog came into existence, then you must go back and read the post that I wrote this day last year. Gosh, I still can't believe that I have been writing all this while, knowing that I am quite moody and often do away with my short-term interests.

I know I haven't been too regular with my blog but I must admit that I have a soft corner for all those fellow bloggers who have read my blog (and have enjoyed it). I also admit that I had a very busy schedule and had absolutely no time left for myself, because of which the distance between me, my blog and my readers increased. I have no idea where has everybody vanished. It is sad that there are very few people who would congratulate me this anniversary. Nevertheless, I am glad that I am back and can easily take out time to write (and read as well).

I wish that my old blogger friends would drop in to wish my blog good luck for the future. Of course, I am a party lover and I love when there are more number of people partying with me. Obviously, I do not want to cut the cake alone..

Happy Anniversary to my blog..

Yay..!! I am so happy today..!!

Opposites Attract Or Birds Of A Feather Flock Together?

2011-06-07T23:47:00.000+05:30

Opposites Attract was a phrase that I heard for the first time when I was about 13 years old. Specifically used in magnetic induction and electrostatics, this term seemed to hold a meaning and was always taken seriously. As I grew up, I realized that this term could be extended to relationships and I started to believe in its truthfulness, therefore, I agreed to the fact that more the differences exist between a couple, the stronger the relationship becomes. No matter how different the two individuals may be, the bond between them gets strengthened and drastically reduces the possibilities of a heartbreak. The simplest argument that a teenager's mind could use for validating this premise was that different individuals had different interests to share, different things to talk about and different ways to spend time with each other, which would eventually open the gates to a plethora of thoughts unknown to each other. As a result, the time spent together would be memorable and definitely not boring for the other one. That was the time when I started getting attracted towards boys and girls who had different interests than mine and I fluttered every time I came across someone who had a different perspective and a different approach.

This, however, did not last even half as long as I thought it would. Very soon, I realized that these concepts looked better when confined to the Physics books. The realization that relationships work best when the two individuals have similar interests dawned on me. It would be wrong to say that the concept of 'opposites attract' no longer exists but I perhaps had a biased view in this regard, since I had mostly seen (and experienced) the contrary. Neither had I known the reason that could negate my perceptions, nor had I found out the underlying factors of unlike characteristics seen among couples.

Time and again, I have come across such couples having opposite traits who happen to love each other's differences. However, the love diminishes when they realize that they do not like to spend time with each other. Sometimes, it takes a few meetings to understand whether the couple is compatible or not. In most unlikely situations (which, I believe have taken the form of more likely situations), it may take years of togetherness to realize that they are, after all, different. It may take too long to understand that it is best if the couple would separate their ways. However, I fail to understand, how long is too long?

There is no 'one correct solution' to such problems. But, if you ask me, I would say that the calculation involving the time for such problems to arise depends upon the need of the two (or one of the two) individuals. If you know what Maslow's Hierarchy is, then you can possibly understand what I am trying to put through. As and when the need of the couple gets fulfilled, they desire for something more that could add life to their relationship. This, of course, is irrespective of the fact that the couple holds similar or dissimilar interests. For instance, the relationship would work well if one of the individual is an extrovert and the other is an introvert. It would work equally well if both of them have either of the personality traits. The love or the bonding may deepen, provided there exists the same level of desire in both these cases. And this desire may be a safety need, a need for a sense of belonging, sexual need or simply a need for esteem; just like the Maslow's Hierarchy.

I have to admit that over the years, I have matured a lot. And so has my thinking. As a kid, I thought that only opposites attract. Into my late teenage years, I thought that opposites attract but then they eventually attack. Later, I thought that it is better if opposites do not attract and life would be simpler if like minds stick together. And today, I think that it does not matter if opposites attract or they don't. What matters is how they understand their own needs and more importantly, the need of their partners. This is what we need to understand. Not a word more and not a word less.

Man vs. Woman - The Beginning of Another Argument

2011-05-29T10:55:00.001+05:30

Numerable movies have been made on love relationships but only a few of them are known to capture the darker shades of the male-female tiff. What seems to be a heavenly journey, marriages can sometimes result in a disaster, so much so that the couple may not really wish to see each other's faces. One such movie is Pyaar Ka Punchnama. Frankly speaking, it was one of the most entertaining movies I have seen in the recent past (that is, if love is entertaining). Indeed, this movie correctly conducts a post mortem of love relationships (you see, 'punchnama' when translated in English means post mortem). No, it is not true that I am pro men nor am I anti-women, but this movie was very much valid, when viewed in context of the present day scenarios. It is very difficult to understand women, who can very easily manage to be a pain in the ass, but the problem does not lie in what a women thinks but it lies in how should a man imply what a woman has thought.

Women are good in arguments. For a man to win an argument with a woman is almost like putting the toothpaste back in an already empty toothpaste tube. Someone has rightly said, "Women get the last word in every argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument." Pyaar ka Punchnama, very beautifully and very correctly, shows the worst fights that could happen between a couple in love (or so called, love). Though I am a woman and it would hurt my ego if I agree but women somehow are quite capable of picking up an argument from something as minuscule as an atom. And don't ever challenge their memory; they remember events that happened years ago and would somehow, much to the astonishment of men, find a link between the past and the present, or even future for that matter.

The men would definitely agree and women would agree too, but would not admit it. And if you don't agree, you must watch this video.

If you still have not seen this movie, I am sure you'll enjoy the light-hearted comedy. It is a must watch for this season.

If life had been longer

2011-05-09T21:21:00.001+05:30

Was it the heat of the intolerable summers
or was it my own irritation
that my mind, not for a second could concentrate
on the vast data bank that lay open in excel format
I sat down to count the number of days
those, which had made my life feel special
To my astonishment, I couldn't count more than 10
In these 25 years of my life,
About 9000 days have been wasted away
Alas, I could easily count the special days on my fingers
Life is short, is what I get to hear
A thought that probably makes the whole world shudder
I wonder, what would happen, if at all it had been longer
Without a doubt, there would be more moments of sorrow, agony and pain
all of which would go on like they were a sloth
Indeed, there would be happy moments too
but a little scantier than the ones that are gloomy and blue
Least in number would be the special ones
That not only had to power to make one smile
but could also bring tears to joy to the pearl like eyes
The mantra is not to live each day as it comes
but it is to live each day like there would be no tomorrow
Life is short, I wouldn't say that it is not true
But to make it longer,
"Live every moment
Laugh every day
Love beyond words"
This world would become a better place to live in

The Unforgettable Year

2011-04-06T21:54:00.002+05:30

It was the year of 1938, a year which carried with it some memories that Smita would, perhaps, never forget. Even though, at this age, she had difficulty remembering things that happened just a few days back, the proceedings of the year 1938 were fresh in her mind. Lying on her death bed, she couldn't help but remember the tragic year, which had nearly ended her life. Sometimes, Smita hoped that the tragedy had indeed taken her life for it would at least be devoid of the sufferings that she had to face all through her life. She couldn't deny that the pain of an instant death is much lesser than the years of prolonged blood-sucking sufferings. But as they say, fate is unpredictable and unprecedented, her life continued just the way it fancied.

Smita, over the years, had narrated the incident innumerable times not only to her children but also to her grandchildren, who now thought of her as a brave woman but slightly jinxed by fate. "Dadu and I were swept away several meters from the land and into the sea when three giant waves emerged and sucked us in. They were enormous and we were too dumbfounded to face the challenges that lay ahead. We did not know how to swim. It seemed that our life would end in a jiffy. About 300 other people, were battling to remain at the surface. With such a chaos, it was difficult to see the land amidst so many people all of whom were clinging on to their fate, with one hope that they would be saved by the life-savers. Survival of the fittest was the only way, we could struggle to remain at the top. This was the Black Sunday", Smita would say, with a grin.

Today, it all seemed to be scarier than what it was. She was again battling for life, but this time she genuinely wanted to end her sufferings. Apart from being looked down upon, it was her age that was making her weak. Yes, she had her share of happiness when she entered into a wedlock with Sushant in January 1938. In those days, honeymoon abroad was considered to be a very big thing, but Sushant was a descendant of a Rajput Family of Rajasthan. Therefore, money was never an issue. In fact, Sushant's mother had urged them to go to a foreign destination, which wouldn't lower their status. Initially, USA and Canada were narrowed down, but Sushant wished to go to someplace, which was new to his family's history of foreign trips. It was then that he decided that they would go to Australia.

Black Sunday, the tragedy of Bondi Beach, Sydney is one of the most awe-striking disasters that the history has experienced. It not created created havoc in Australia but the after effects were evident in India as well. She and Sushant had had a real experience of the Black Sunday, while they were honeymooning in Sydney. Smita remembered the day clearly. It was one day after Hitler exercised his control over the German Military and a year and a half before the outbreak of the second world war. 5th February 1938, it was their third day in Sydney and they were sitting together under the sun eating the paranthas that they had got from India, when suddenly they found themselves in the sea between hundred of other people trying their best to remain afloat. "Sushant, kahan ho aap", she shrieked at the top of her voice for the nth time, but failed to locate him. The tremendous wave had separated them both; and Smita, who knew very little English was afraid of the consequences that she might have to face, if at all, if and only if, she survived. She prayed for the husband's life, performing the sole duty of an Indian wife. She wished that Sushant was all right.

An Australian man had saved her life and brought her ashore where she lay unconscious, maybe for a a few minutes or for hours, she had no idea. She also did not know how Sushant found her and did not even wanted to know. He was alive and that was all she could have asked for. It was this day that had not only spoiled their honeymoon but also her life. Little did she know that she everybody back home would consider her to be a curse to Sushant's life. Years went by and she lived her life, as if every day were a Black Sunday. Right from the 5th Feb 1938 till his death in 1952, not a single day went by when Smita did not cry. It wasn't that she did not get any support from Sushant, more so he was the only one who showered his love onto her. But her ill fate had taken her life for a toss. She was cursed more for his early death. Thereafter, her mother in-law did not give her a chance to breathe a sigh of relief. Smita never said a single word against her; she would silently take the wrath all through the day and spent her entire night weeping. The only thought that crossed her mind time and again was her wish to have died in that tragedy. But again, as they say, fate is unpredictable and unprecedented, her life continued just the way it fancied.

And it was because of this fate that she had spent more than 70 years of her life suffering - for one, she was always considered to be a curse and secondly, her old age had made her feeble and rickety. At 94, she was in the hospital breathing her last, while her great grandchildren sat lazily around her. They were the ones who had brought her smile back and she sure did not want to leave them behind. She felt guilty for not having thought about them before she swallowed the pills. Her life was no more in her control, but there was one thing which was very much in her control. She called out to the children and said, "Come, I will tell all of you a story." As soon as they flocked around her, she heaved a sigh of relief and began, "It was the year of 1938..."

Disclaimer: Black Sunday is a real event that happened in Sydney. The facts and figures given above are true to the best of my knowledge. However, the names and the proceedings are purely fictitious.

PS: This is the first time that I have written such a story, of which, I neither hold any view nor had any knowledge about. Please give your genuine views. I would appreciate. Thanks.

The Return of the Euphoria - An Epic

2011-04-03T10:20:00.000+05:30

With more than 8 hours of being glued in one chair, with every nerve ready to explode, with tears of joy in our eyes, we couldn't have asked for more. Team India did it and they did for every person who had ever mouthed bad words at them. "It means the world to me. I have been a part of the three World Cups. This is for the nation. Thank you very much, we love you. This cup is for the people." This is what Yuvraj Singh had to say on winning the world cup. Yes, it finally came home after 28 years of wait, double of the exile period that Shri Ram had to face. And the outcome? First time in history, it was Holi, Dusshera and Diwali being celebrated with much joviality and enthusiasm all across the nation.

Looking back, I wish to apologize for the times when we, the people, criticized the time for not performing. How much did we understand the pressure being put on the two teams playing out there in the middle. We must salute the Sri Lankan captain for calling Indian team the better one. It takes a lot of courage to smile and say this, when you know that, on return , your countrymen will question. And wouldn't questions have been raised had India lost the match. "I took quite a few decisions tonight, if we hadn't won I would have been asked quite a few questions - why no Ashwin and why Sreesanth. Why no Yuvraj and why did I bat ahead of him?", said Dhoni, who had been out of form all through the world cup and took the responsibility of performing in this cut-throat competition. This is what I call true sportsman spirit.

They did it together and they did it for Sachin - the legendary face of Indian Cricket. Immediately after the win, they carried the God on their shoulders. "Sachin carried the burden of Indian Cricket on his shoulder for last 21 years, now its time we carry him on our shoulders". These words came from Virat Kohli and that was the time when I lost control of my emotions. This is what Cricket means in India. It is the only religion that unites the country. And this feeling was evident across the country where people who were unknown to each other hugged at every boundary, prayed at every drop of the wicket, cried for the loss of wickets and had tears of joy for the incredible win. Cricket is a religion in India and nobody, nobody at all, fails to worship it.

I always knew that Sachin is considered to be someone, who holds the top position in the team, but this is the first time that I saw that the entire team respect his cricket career more than their own. Every member of Team India played in unison and they got the world cup for him. Such (Sach) is God, Such (Sach) is Life..!! This is it and the world cup is ours. History re-creates itself and we showed them that we are the undisputed champions. The boys did it.

India bleeds blue..!!

Yes, it does matter

2011-03-28T19:47:00.000+05:30

Sabina smiled as she opened her eyes. The dream last night lingered on like a hangover. How she wished that it engulfed her right this moment, just like it did when he was right in front of her eyes. It was just yesterday that she saw him. His face was fresh in her mind. His neat movement made her whole world sway. If he is the most beautiful thing in this world, indeed she’d be the luckiest one to have him. And it was just this thought that made her go on. Though, she was a small town girl, but his presence made her feel like a princess. No, it made her feel like a queen.

****

Money had never attracted Sabina even though her family scarcely had any. All their lives, they had lived on bread and butter, but never had any regrets. Life was smooth and they enjoyed every bit of it. But now that Sabina was of marriageable age, things were getting difficult. Her father, who worked as an employee in a small bank, had been trying to save as much as possible since Sabina was just 8 years old. He had seen days when he and his wife had to go without food but he never played around with his savings. Consistently, the money poured in the savings account but none was ever spent. Such was the life that Sabina and her parents saw.

While her parents toiled for hours together and earned their living, Sabina loved to spend. She was always an intelligent child. Her beliefs were crisp and she was very clear with them. Aware of the plight of her family, Sabina never thought twice before spending her money. With God’s grace, she had plenty. No, it wasn’t that she was a bad person, who did not want to give her money to her parents. She once had transferred money into their account, but they had transferred it back. She bought many presents on the pretext of giving something to them, but it was all returned. Sabina tried everything but her parents were a little orthodox and considered it an omen to take money from their only daughter. 25 she was and she had no body to spend her money on, except her own self.

A post graduate from Stephen’s College, Delhi University, Sabina worked in a multinational and loved her life. Though she was not seeing anyone, she had a lot of guys running after her, wanting to get cozy with her. Be it her good looks or her lady like elegance, she was always amongst the most desired women around. Definitely, Sabina loved all the attention that she received. And the best part about her was that she knew how to manage her admirers so much so that people thought that she had oomph. Well, actually she lived her life like one of those super hot girls, like in the movies.

****

And when she saw him standing down below, she knew he was the one. In a jiffy, the memories of the men she had dated till now vanished into thin air. Nothing remained. She felt an empty space inside. Not only this, she got the feeling that she had lived a worthless life. Suddenly, she had an urge to be swept away from her feet and taken into the arms of this young man. Her life, on seeing him, looked complete. She could almost feel her heart racing. No, it was pounding. It felt as if her heart was going to burst out. She fluttered like a fish, which has been thrown out of water and is gasping for breath. She was hot everywhere and desired him. The deafening noise of her flutters didn’t make her realise that he had noticed her too. And that made Sabina aware of her appearance. She badly wished that she could get hold of a mirror just to see if her hair, her clothes and her makeup were in place. How helpless she felt. And as he approached her, she just wanted to bury herself into anything, just anything that was big enough to hide her.

With every step he took, her heart raced faster. She had had many guys in her life but none had made her feel so under-confident about her own beauty. With others, she was the undisputable winner, but with him right in front of her eyes, she felt like a worm, ready to wriggle and perhaps, just vanish deep into the ground, only to stop until she reached the core. Her heart skipped a beat. And as he approached her, she could see his eyes scanning her from the top to the bottom, while stopping in between for a stare. Sabina felt her adrenaline rush when he came up to the bar and grabbed the empty chair right next to her. Öne Tequila Shot”, he said to the bartender, who nodded and turned his back to them, facing the huge shelf that contained numerous bottles stacked neatly.

She knew he was looking at her but tried to ignore his gaze. Inside, she could feel her heart swell with pride. Sabina looked in the opposite direction and let out a devilish laugh. She was sure that he was impressed by her toned figure and ofcourse, her bulging chest, which was nearly visible from her low cut dress. Sabina smiled at herself and lowered herself in the front till her boobs touched the counter. Her intention was just to make him notice her erotic moves. And he did.

****

Naman wrapped his arms around her, while she unbuttoned him. Sabina moved closer and suddenly let out a gasp as he pushed her back on to the bed. Slowly, he removed his hands from her shoulders and moved them down to her belly button. He bent down and kissed her half naked body. With his tongue, he circled around the belly button and moved upwards. He unclasped her bra and almost ripped her off it. Taking her boobs in his palms, he murmured, “You’re beautiful”. She just smiled. Using the index fingers of both his hands, he touched her nipples and made extremely slow circular motions. While doing so, he reached out to her right ear lobe and licked it. Sabina felt that she was on top of the world. She had never been as aroused as she was with his touch. She didn’t want him to stop. He, then, bit her on her neck and licked the wound. Unable to control, Sabina pushed him back and climbed on him. She wanted to empower him and impress him in her own sexual way. She just wanted to be the devil and eat him up. Her hunger was evident in her eyes.

She slowly moved on top of him and played with her fingers. Erotically, she twisted her tongue and breathed heavily. She raised both her arms, as if in a yawn and moved her head backward. He could see her boobs moving as she raised herself. He did not want to miss this chance, so he got up and took them in his hands and caressed them. She moaned. Since, he was much stronger than her, he continued caressing them with all his might. Her moaning grew louder. He did not stop. He took one of them in his mouth and almost bit it. She screamed but she did not stop him. Sabina was enjoying every moment and so was he. Slowly, he slid his fingers between her legs and felt her soft flesh. She was hot and wet inside and he could see that. He moved his fingers further inside and rubbed her, slowly and carefully. That exited her more. It was then she realised that he still had his denim jeans on. She clumsily unzipped him and took it off. He was fully aroused, now it was her chance to know that. While, he still had his fingers inside her, she licked him till she could feel his urge getting stronger and wilder. He adjusted himself and was ready to penetrate himself, when she suddenly stopped him and asked, “Don’t you have a condom.” He raised his eyebrows and moved his head in denial. Sabina got up and hurriedly put her clothes on. Without a word she left, leaving the guy a bit too perturbed.

****

(A year later)

Sabina was lying in the bed, smiling to her heart’s glory. She dreamt about Naman, yet again. Though they never really had each other, she still felt that he was right there waiting for her. The memories of his smile still had the spark to bring a smile on her face. His slow and precise movements, while he caressed her, made her desire grew stronger. But, it was her own sweet way of judging men. She was an intelligent woman and her beliefs were strong. Sex was fun but it wasn’t something that she would play with. With a sparkling smile in her eyes, she tossed and turned. If only, he had a condom that day, they would still be together. And she would perhaps have been the queen. She missed him for sure.

Moral – Keep a pack handy. You never know what women have in mind.

PS: I had thought I'd give this story a serious ending, but my mind just changed at the end moment. :D

The cruel past persists in the future

2011-03-09T23:47:00.000+05:30

Standing on the edge, she could feel the cold wind piercing her skin as it pushed her back and she tried her best to balance herself. Scared of the moment when thoughts became her enemy, she stood there solid as a stone. She was afraid to think. She was afraid to go any further. The mere thought nearly choked her to death. She could almost feel a lump forming inside her throat, but gathering all her courage, she tried to gulp it down. Remembering her mother's words made her weaker."Mistakes are the trickiest thing that could happen to anybody", her mother had once told her. Loud and clear the words sounded in her ears. Nimisha, could feel her heart beating fast. In a jiffy, her thoughts too took her back to the cozy evening, when she had been alone with her mother and they talked about their life at length. "They are committed by humans, and humans only. But the least you can do is to take lessons from your mistakes and move on".

Nimisha, remembered her words. And she could also hear the silent sobs that her mother had let out, while she explained about how her mistakes had affected her life. Nimisha's father had left them when she was just three years old. All through her life, she had called him names and she swore that she would continue till the day she died. However, the truth had hit her hard and she hated herself for not knowing the truth all these years. And even when her Mother was the culprit, she couldn't help but hate her father even more. And today, standing there alone, with her back towards her car, she still abused him. But for a different reason. A reason, which she could not ignore. A reason that had been tossed out in the open by her mother.

"It is not just important to learn from them, but you must implement them as much as you can. It is true that mistakes make you more experienced. But it is also true that the effect of your mistake will haunt you for a lifetime." With that last line, her heart skipped a beat. She had to give in to the awful truth that mistakes, once committed, leave a deep mark. Her mother committed a mistake about 27 years back. She regretted. She gave in. She learnt from it. And then she moved out of it. But she had to suffer at every stage. She suffered at the time she was wrong. She suffered at the time she regretted. She suffered even when she had already learnt from her mistakes. And she suffered even today after 27 years when she had a new life. In short, she had to suffer every time only because she made a mistake in her life 27 years back.

Nimisha could never understand the thin line that existed between forgiveness and holding a grudge. With her mother's blessings, she had always taken to the right path in life. Forgiveness was her key to happiness. But she could never understand why other's had difficulty in forgiving their counter parts. This is the only grudge she had in her mind for her father. Atleast today, it was the only grudge.

But if all that her mother had told her was true, then forgiveness holds no value. And she would not forgive her father for not forgiving her mother. Nimisha could forecast her own sufferings. She could very firmly negate all those who had told her that if she learnt from her mistakes, she would emerge a winner. She realized that if you commit a mistake, then you would eventually have to suffer. The world will make sure that you suffer. Time and again, they will remind you of the mistakes you had committed. No matter how good you are at heart, you would have to suffer.Realizing this, Nimisha knew that her life would not be any different from her mother's for she too had made mistakes. Mistakes that were similar to her mother's. "The past cannot be changed, but the future will be a reflection of what you did in the past." She still did not know if it was correct, but she had no reason to disagree. Taking her mother's words, she repeated to herself, "The past cannot be changed, but the future will be a reflection of what you did in the past" and then she took a step forward, only to get lost in a whirlpool of death.

The right virtues

2011-01-19T00:42:00.002+05:30

This is the time when I should have been in bed, sleeping, considering the fact that I have to wake up early. Infact, I was already in my bed trying to sleep but my thought wandered to the discussion we had during the lunch hour in the office today. I wasn't really a part of that discussion since I did not want people to get judgmental about the way I think. But I listened carefully to each and every word they said.

I don't really remember, how the discussion started but it was something to do with the "sankar" that the people of Indian origin, who no longer live here, have. My colleagues somehow despise those Indians who live, precisely, in the western countries and speak English with an accent of the west. The children who are born and brought up in the European as well as American countries speak with an accent which their friends from these countries have. One of my colleague thinks that the parents of these children are to be blamed since they did not control their accent and teach them the correct "Indian English" accent. Another colleague proudly narrated an incident of some child (some way related to her) who greets her grandparents by saying "namaste". Now, this colleague of mine believes that this is what "sanskar" is all about. I am sorry but I fail to agree.

The sanskars do not come by greeting somebody with "namaste", if you do not really respect the person being greeted. If you do not even know what "namaste" means, then what is the point for doing something which does not make sense to you. If this is how sanskars come, then I believe every individual living in India would become a completely "sankari" person. For instance, if, being an Indian, I am an English Language lover and I do not know what a a few words mean in Hindi, and I have read hundreds of English books but not even a single Hindi comic book, then would anybody be right in saying that I do not have any sankar. Only because I do not know the Hindi translation of "Snowfall", or I get confused between words like "aarambh" and "prarambh" (they still confuse me), then nobody can make a haywire statement about my sanskars.

The children who have lived in American and European countries, have learnt to speak their respective accents. I don't think that the children or the parents are to be blamed. I do not understand what is wrong if they speak in their own accent, which is a different from the Indian English accent. I do not even understand why do a lot of Indians consider other Indians talking with an American or British accent to be a show off. True it is that a lot of celebrities have goofed up big time by faking their accent, but it definitely does not mean that everybody else is a fake. And does that mean that a 5 year old, or maybe even a 10 year old, Indian kid living in US or UK, would be faking his/her accent too. Do you really think that the poor child understands the difference between the accents, or is wise enough, rather clever enough, to fake it.

I sometimes do not understand what has the accent got to do with the sanskar. I also do not understand why we, Indians, consider it to be such a big issue. I don't remember, but I read somewhere about this research which was conducted on some kids. The kids were born in one country but were brought up in different countries, amongst people with different cultures and ethos. All the kids learnt the values of the cultures of the country they were brought up in. There was one intense example under this research which said that a group of these kids was also sent to live with people who could not speak. And these kids, never learnt to speak or express themselves. And talking in American English, British English or Indian English is such a minute thing,

A person living in India, who is proficient in Hindi and Sanskrit could be less sanskari than a person living in the US, who doesn't know any other language except English. Sankars do not come by the language you speak, but they come by the virtues you follow. Yes, it is good to know your mother tongue, but it is not necessarily a way to judge a person's sankar.

I really think that the sankars imbibed in any individual are reflected through their actions and not entirely by their words.

I think I know, why I am getting grumpy

2011-01-07T00:16:00.000+05:30

Disclaimer: This is not one of those posts, wherein, I crib left, right and center. Neither, does this post exhibit any level of happiness. But, it is the result of my 'deep' introspection. Well, maybe I have to re-think if the introspection was indeed deep.

Since a few days, I have been quite grumpy. I tried to reason with myself about what could be the possible reasons for my crankiness. For your convenience, I have tried to keep them short and crisp.

Reasons:

Reason 1: I spend my entire day writing. Every day, from morning to evening. And still, I miss writing. Actually, I miss my blog. I miss my stories

Reason 2: Today, I liked a pair of heels at woodland, which were perhaps the most comfortable heels that I have ever worn. Sadly, they were half an inch bigger than my size. I wish I had a dynamite. I would have blown up that outlet for sure.

Reason 3: I really want to get hold of a nice book and read it to my heart's content. I haven't been reading at all. Not even the newspaper.

Reason 4: A while ago, I got myself enrolled in a course. I just can't find the time to complete it. (Circumstances were different when I got myself enrolled. Seriously, it is not an excuse. I really want to add to my knowledge. I mean, seriously.

Reason 5: For Christ's sake, I just want to stop feeling lethargic. "The New Year" has begun and I really need to wake up. Gah..!! My laziness..!!

Reason 6: Speaking of new year, I think I need to rejuvenate myself. Not with a spa but with a party. Well, a spa would do wonders too. (Look at me. I am already jumping at the mere thought)

Reason 7: I need a break. I seriously do. And if you think that you have read that here before, then you are right. I need a break every few weeks. Consider it to be my routine round of cribbing. *Sigh*

Reason 8: Sleep. Yes, I need that too. If I am in the middle of writing a blog instead of being in bed at this hour, knowing that I have to wake up early, then I needn't say a word. Apparently, this is a case of insomnia.

PS: I saw the movie Band Baaja Barat today and I quite liked it. Oh, did I mention that I left early from the office and it did lift my mood.

PPS: While I was in school, I was extremely bad at making bullet point. I guess, I have improved a lot since then.

PPPS: I promise I'll post a story soon.

PPPPS: I know, this post was completely useless. I just wanted to make my presence felt on my blog. Clever, ain't I..??

Handsomely Appreciated

2010-12-24T22:40:00.000+05:30

Okay, I really was not in the mood to write today but there was something really sweet waiting for me on Sakshi's blog. Yes, you guessed it right. An award. And lemme just tell you that it wasn't 'just' an award randomly passed on to all those who are blog-rolled. It was more of an appreciation. And I love to be appreciated. If an appreciation is more like what Sakshi wrote about me, then it is sure to set me flying. Her appreciated did wonders to the jumbo-sized lazy n tired soul like me. It made me smile. So, I am going to flash my million dollar smile right here, right now to all you wonderful people.

So, Sakshi gave this award to me which is called the Kreativ Blogger Award. It is nice to be called Kreativ, but it is nicer to be called a "Word Weaver". Let me leave in a little surprise. Why don't you guys go check out the award yourself. She has written quite something in my appreciation. Click here and you'll be taken to the award function. And Sakshi, I cannot thank you more. For a writer, it is a pleasure to be called by that name. Thank you, that is all I can say.

After getting this award, I was thinking that I should write fiction more often. What do you people think?

PS: I love to be appreciated, so comment accordingly. :D

Is it time to make resolutions yet?

2010-12-22T22:07:00.000+05:30

The new year is almost round the corner. And did I realize that it is time to make resolutions. Like everybody else, I too have been making numerable resolutions every December and all of them are tossed into the bin every January. Yeah, yeah, loosing weight tops the charts every year but it is the only resolutions that gets tossed away faster than the others. Gladly, I am not the only one sinking in the ocean, year by year. Did I just say, Sinking? Right. Obviously, the speed at which I have been bloating, my weight would soon defy all laws relating to the displacement of water and buoyancy. Poor Archimedes. If only he was alive, he would definitely have come up with some other principle.

Well, I better not stretch this discussion since it may aggravate a lot of my family members and close friends who keep pestering me about my weight. You know, I really don't want to spoil anyone's mood at this time of the year. Anyway, the point I want to make is that I have come up with a different and a more serious resolution for the next year. Nope, I am not going to reveal the secret so soon. This resolution requires a lot of introspection, and more than that, it requires my own patience. Don't be surprised, I told you that it is a serious resolution.

By the way, did anybody realize that I haven't posted anything on my blog since the past one month. Yeah, it has been 30 days now. I know, none of you missed me. But I missed a lot of people from here. Because of my hectic schedule, I hardly log in these days. But I really did miss you. Yeah, you. I am sorry for not reading posts as I often as I used to.

I really think my grey cells have 'literally' turned grey. I had a lot to tell you, but now I cannot even think of a single event which happened in the past one month. Blame my busy schedule, but there isn't a single thing that I can think of. *Sigh*

All those who have been reading this post, must have realized by now that there wasn't anything remarkably good, or even bad, about this. Except the resolution, ofcourse.

But, I am still pondering over the question, "Is it time to make resolutions yet?"

A shocking video

2010-11-24T21:45:00.000+05:30

One of my friends had shared this video on facebook. I'd rather let you guys watch this video without saying a word more.

It is not just about PMS

2010-11-23T21:20:00.000+05:30

Disclaimer: All that you read here is merely based on a thought. I wouldn't say that it is fictitious. I am sure that it would have happened to a lot of people. Only, nothing of this sort happened to me or anyone I know, in the recent past. It is my own thought which originated from a healthy discussion in the office.

A thought struck me today. I found it to be somewhat weird. It made me confused and I became a little biased towards things which I strongly feel about. I am sure it happens to you too. Well, actually I know that it happens to almost everybody but I am on the quest to find out 'WHY' it happens.

Today, our gang of girls in the office were discussing about premenstrual stress and it's effects on women. This is not my topic of discussion and I have absolutely no queries regarding this. But, it is the behaviour of women and their reactions towards other women, which is unclear to me. Let me explain with an example. A woman is suffering from premenstrual stress. She tells other women about it, who become sympathetic towards her. They understand her pain and help her in every possible way to make her feel comfortable and lessen the burden from her shoulders. More so, if this woman has a lady boss above her, she too would do something about it even if it is a small gesture of showing concern. Infact, if you ask my view point, I too would help any woman even if I do not share good terms with her.

But if the same woman is suffering from a chronic disease like Bronchitis or maybe even Cervical pain, there will be very few people, even women who wouldn't get up to show a bit of concern. In this case, nobody will lessen the burden even if she is feeling breathless because of an asthma attack. They would just sit back as if it were a routine proceeding. They would rather expect her to use an inhaler and get back to her senses within seconds. If I have to compare premenstrual stress with Asthma, I would rate Asthma to be a disease which is more uncomfortable and intolerable than PMS.

I mean, seriously. Okay, let me not revolve my discussions around women. Let me talk about human beings, in general. Men also suffer from diseases like Asthma. Okay, let me get back and talk about myself. I suffer from severe migraine. I know how it feels when people tell me to stop enacting a headache and get beck to work. The intensity of pain that I get during a migraine is much more than any pain that I have experienced till date. It is not amusing when people make fun of my headache by saying that I get it when I am overburdened. Come on, people. Migraine is so uncomfortable that a person cannot even nod his/her head. Similarly, during an asthma attack, the person feels breatheless, How do you expect them to work when they are not even able to breathe properly.

The simplest of reason which I understand is that people relate to things and situations which they have either seen or strongly feel about. People with asthma would easily relate with those who suffer from it. I would better understand the situation of a person suffering from migraine rather than a person who is suffering from Asthma. However, every woman understand the premenstrual stress irrelevant of the fact that she gets it or not. Infact, even men understand the pain that it causes and give every woman a benefit of doubt in this regard.

What I do not understand is that where does the sympathy go when we suffer from every other disease except PMS. I do not understand why does the boss force his/her employees to work overtime even in the case of breathlessness or a chronic headache. I really wish to find an answer to these question. What drives the behaviour of people in such cases? I don't know if such cases happen with men too. I mean, men understanding the problems that only men face. Tell me what you guys think. Or if you have a similar situation to share, then let me know. Or if you know the answers to my questions.

Its time to get back to work

2010-11-07T19:58:00.001+05:30

Festival season always makes me oh-so-bubbly-and-cheerful. It is all about meeting family and friends, exchanging gifts(did I say that I love this part), eating all the fatty stuff and not being bothered about gaining weight, cleaning all those almirahs that you haven't touched in a while, and ofcourse spending more time on the roads rather than lazing around at home. If you are from Delhi and you were out on the streets driving bumper to bumper through the Diwali traffic, then you know exactly what I mean.

And now when the festive season is over, I can only wait for it to return next year. I wonder why does the time fly by so soon. It seems that it was just yesterday that I had started my preparations for Diwali. But the reality is that it is time to get back to the office. Time has come for my creative and artistic skills to hibernate. Wake them up when October ends next year. Till den, *yawn*...!!!

But I have to tell you what I did this season. Yeah, Yeah.. I know, I am boasting but there were not many people around to appreciate the hard work that I had put in. So, automatically, the focus shifts on you guys. Okay, I painted the diyas. And I made the rangoli too. I must show them to you.

I know I made the dull and simple diyas look colourful and bright. *blush blush*

A more closer look at them. Did you like them?

Rangoli, a colourful pattern.

Rangoli - Ganeshji

It took me four long hours to make the above Rangolis. The entire time, I was sitting on my knees making the rangoli.You know what, if there aren't many people appreciating the hard work that you have put in, the enthusiasm really goes down. I wouldn't have bothered much about the cramps in my back and my legs if the people had appreciated me. Forget about appreciating, some people did not even have the courtesy to mind their feet while I was making the rangoli. They simply stepped on the rangoli. If you look more closely at the rangoli above, you'll see some lumps forming in the corner. That is exctly the place where I had to redo the work because a man, yeah, "a 40 year old man" stepped on it, not once but twice. Gosh, and then they expect me to control my anger. Yeah, right..!!

My mom is so fond of my rangoli that she keeps it for two-three days. But this year somebody spoilt it when we woke up the next morning. And I could see that it was done deliberately. I wish I had taken a picture of the spoilt rangoli. If I had known who did that, I would have kicked that person in the face. I really wanted to cry. I think, it is always better to make long lasting rangolis, just like the ones that I made last Diwali.

But there isn't any point in crying nor in letting the anger take control of me. So, let me just get over it. nd look I have taken out my frustration out here. And I am already feeling so much better. I just hope that the cramps go away and the pain subsides soon.

I am so sleep deprived. I have no idea how will I get myself out of the bed tomorrow morning. Aaahh..!! Monday morning blues have returned.

The Epitome Of Anger

2010-11-01T23:50:00.001+05:30

Fuming with rage, She took that white piece of paper in her hand and sprung out of the bed. She stamping her feet angrily on the stairs as she climbed up and promised herself that she would never talk to him again. Not after what he did. Her mother had always taught her that forgiveness comes from an open heart, with no conditions attached. All these years, Amira had followed the path of forgiveness, a disrupted road it was yet it brought a sense of inner peace to her. It always did. She had forgiven him even on occasions she wasn't expected to be liberal. But today it was different. She gave a dirty look to the closed door behind which he was probably taking the last drag of his Marlboro. She imagined him sitting lazily on his rust-coloured bean bag wearing nothing but his favourite jockey boxers. And that aggravated her more. He had to learn to let go of his bachelorhood soon. Very soon. His habits always blew her up but she had always taken control of her anger. And today, his habits bothered her more than they ever did.

Sometimes, forgiveness doesn't work. You need to be vocal about your partner's faults, sit back and discuss them one at a time. Ignoring them may work for a few months, or a few years if both of you share a compromising nature. But it doesn't work that way in the long run. Amira was a little different. Not once in these 11 years that they had spent together, had she uttered a word against him. Whenever she found herself out of control, she would simply lock herself in her room and weep. But not a word against him or even his habits. 11 years, she had lived with him, not in the same house, but she had been totally committed to him.And since the past 1 year they had been sharing the same house. And it wasn't just Amira who showered her love onto Daksh. He too loved her. With all his might. Yes, a man loves a woman with his might. His physical strength, his vigour and his passion, together they make him strong enough to stand up to her demands. It is with his might that he becomes capable of looking after her. And so was Daksh, who loved Amira with all his might.

But there has to be a limit. A saturation point. Everybody reaches a saturation point at some time or the other, beyond which they refuse to take no more. Amira's life resembled a Pepsi bottle. All through her life she had ignored every issue that had bothered her. It got bottled up inside her. It isn't that she did not get a chance to speak up, she did get it. But she chose to stay mum. But when you open a Pepsi bottle after shaking it left, right and centre, all that's inside rushes out with all its might. A woman's might. An infuriated might. Shaken by Daksh's carelesslenss, Amira could no longer control her anger. She wanted to barge inside. There was no looking back. She had decided to call off the wedding. And that thought made her clench her fist, almost crushing the white paper, the receipt in her hand. She raised her arm and brought it close to her eyes. Twenty two lakh rupees, it screamed at her. Though the description wasn't readable but she could make out that it was a diamond necklace. She knew that Daksh couldn't afford that necklace. She also knew that his mother wouldn't have paid for that necklace or Amira would have known. But she had neither seen such a necklace nor had heard anybody talking about buying one. The date on the receipt said that it was bought 7 months ago. Living in the same house, sharing the same almirahs, the same lockers in the bank, she had not seen any necklace which was this expensive. If she didn't know about that piece of jewellery, it simply meant that Daksh had gifted it to some other woman just like he had gifted that ring to Swati, his friend from college. She had not questioned him then. She didn't know where did he get that money from. She didn't know how good a friend she was to him. She didn't know if he was fooling around with her. She simply trusted him. She knew that he loved her. She had just remained silent.

Unable to resist, she turned the knob unsure of what words would come out from her. She entered. It all looked different. Daksh wasn't sitting lazily on his bean bag. There was no cigarette smell in the air. He wasn't in his boxer shorts. His usually unkempt bed was carefully made. Clothes which were always strewn all over the place, were perhaps resting neatly in his almirah. Shoes, carefully lined up under the bed. And right in the middle there was Daksh, sitting on his bed. He was busy scribbling something. He didn't see Amira enter the room. Confused, Amira walked towards him. He looked up. Surprised to see her inside, he quickly grasped the red box lying on the bed and before he could realise what he was doing he hid it behind himself. But before Amira could say anything, he brought the box in front, looked straight in her eye and said, "Amira, look here." He took a deep breathe and said "This box contains all the money that I had saved in these years. This box is an account of all the hardwork that I have put in. Kept in this box are all those days which I had spent away from you, working late in the office. All those gifts that I had always wanted to buy for you but I didn't that time, they are all in this box. Before we get married, I want to return all that was meant for you." Saying this, he handed her the box and planted a kiss on her forehead.

Amira did not utter a word. All through her life she had followed the path of forgiveness. Just once, she wished to deviate from that path. Thankfully, she didn't or else her life would have ended up in a mess. Amira loosened her grip and let the receipt fall down. Numb from shock, she just managed to hug him.

Life comes in different shapes and sizes

2010-10-21T23:18:00.000+05:30

A long time ago, not too far away, in the mountains there lived a girl. Life was difficult and luck didn't really care to be with her family. So, bread didn't come easily to them and butter was a thing they had never heard of. However, like those close knit families, they lived together and were happy. Well, the last word, the adjective that I used to describe their life has never been analogous to the reality, more so, it was untrue. Meager flow of money came from the small bead shop that Sulekha worked in. Yes, her name was Sulekha but people in that small village called her Dolly. The name, Sulekha, had been long forgotten. Dolly, it was now. She had no idea what that name meant but she knew where it had come from. 3 months before she was due to be born, abba had gone to buy beads from the city. Someone had told him that he would get cheaper bead there but he had been fooled. However, while he was returning, he heard the name Dolly, and decided that if he had a daughter he would call her by that name. Likewise, Dolly wished her kids to have English names too, though she was 15 years old and unmarried. Maybe, she will one day.

So, Dolly was her name. Totally opposite to her name's meaning, she was not good looking and nowhere resembled a doll. Those who live in the mountains are known to be somewhat fair. And so were the inhabitants of Gauchar, the small village where Dolly lived in. But her skin was pale and dark. People would laugh at her ugliness. Teasings continued from morning till night. They stopped only when everybody retired into their beds. That was the only time when she was at peace. The only time when she could see something else that was darker than her. And she felt relieved.

It was November. For the inhabitants for Gauchar, November would always bring a smile onto their otherwise sad faces. It was the time for the annual mela of Gauchar. Traders from northern India came to their small village. It was a time to rejoice for Dolly as money wouldn't be a problem. She knew she would manage to earn atleast that much which would last for the next 6 months. Every year she would eagerly wait for November to come. Though she bought inexpensive beads and sold them the year round, she would save the best ones for the mela. Infact, for this event, she crafted each bead with great detail. Her father started earning when he found some beads lying near bridge perhaps abandoned by thieves. He made an income out of those and hence got into this field. When he became too old to travel, his daughter took over. Dolly, at once, fell in love with the beads. Earlier she would travel down the hill to buy these tiny colourful round and square pieces. Now she made them on her own. Every single day.

And tomorrow was the first day of the mela, her chance to sell those beads to the wives of those wealthy traders and the travellers. This year she had spent all her savings in crafting new type of beads which she had come across on one of her visits to the city. Beads in different shapes and sizes were her speciality. But this time she had developed beads for adorning the hair. She had hoped that it would sell. And very soon she would have money to buy that green saree for amma and that stark white kurta for abba. Away from all the hustle bustle and from the ongoing sarcastic comments about her skin, she quietly lay on the bed. She glanced at the the table covered with beads. Though she was sleepy, she did not want to sleep. She joyfully imagined travellers buying her beads. Smiling, she imagined every single day of the mela and how happy it would make her. She imagined her mother in that saree and her father in that kurta. They looked amazing together. She made a mental note to call the camera wala bhaiya and ask him to take a picture of them together. She did not know how much it would cost but she would pay him. Dolly didn't know when she had fallen asleep and all that she had seen was just a dream. She never woke up. She never saw the tomorrow she had been eagerly waiting for. There were no travellers. There were no traders. There was no fun. But there were beads still lying on the table.

Really, luck didn't care to be with her family.

Filling in

2010-10-15T22:59:00.000+05:30

Okay..!! This has been the longest ever separation period that me and my oh-so-lovely blog have gone through. Needless to say, I terribly missed it. I won't say that I have been busy. Rather, I have been lazy. A little off the track that I have been of late, I simply wasn't in the mood (nor had the energy) to wake up till late at night, the only time i get to spend with my blog. Hence, the long withdrawal had set in.

For some reasons, I have been abstaining myself from using "too much" internet. Every time something happened in my life, I felt the urge to put it up on this space. That is when I realized how attached I had become with people from the virtual world. I think I am totally addicted to my blog. I cannot easily explain the extent of my obsession with this blog and my readers, but let me give you an example. In every situation (atleast those, about which I would have written here), I found myself contemplating the reviews and comments that my readers would have given. Every time, my mind raced forward to foresee who would have agreed and who would have disagreed with me. I know I would be making a very heavy statement if I say that in situations where I was caught unguarded, I thought about my readers and their reactions rather than my own friends. A lot of my friends whom I have known since childhood would probably read this post and I completely understand the shocked looks that I am going to get after this. But I am not saying this just for the heck of it. I totally totally mean it. And I can explain. There have been times (both good and bad) when I have received reactions (again, both good and bad) from people whom I have known only through blogosphere. And people whom I have known personally have secretly read my blog and remained neutral when I really wanted them to give me some words of wisdom. As a result, I have grown more attached to those whom I do not know. Ironic, isn't it?

I had wanted to write a post a week back, precisely after returning from a trip to Vaishno Devi. It was my first visit and I had been excited to write not only about the 14 km walk to the temple but also about my horse ride. It was far more exciting than anything else that I have encountered so far. Really..!! I so wish I had learnt to ride a horse when there used to be training sessions way back in school. Soon, I will write a separate post about my horse ride.

So much has happened in the past 3 weeks. I have a long list of things to talk about. I have a lot of time so we can get back to it later. There are more important things to talk about. Obviously, I cannot get away without commenting on the commonwealth games which ended yesterday. I have not come across a single blog which talked about the success of the XIX commonwealth games. The games had got truck loads of negative publicity. Such was the intensity, a lot of nations withdrew themselves from participating in these games. Every single person mouthed bad words at the organizing committee. I too did that. I had no faith in them and I presumed that the commonwealth games wouldn't even happen. And if at all they did, it would be big blow on our face. Fortunately, contrary to our presumptions, commonwealth games were a huge success. Delhi has never looked better than what it did in the past 2 weeks. Clean, green and spectacular. And what was Dilliwalas take on lane-driving..?? You bet, it was one of the most beautiful gesture I have ever seen. Extreme levels of co-operation imbibed a sense of inspiration in one and all. It was a pleasure to be a part of Delhi. Out of all the blogs that I had read before the starting of the games, it was only Sakshi who seemed to be a bit positive about the whole event. During the games, I kept wondering where did this girl get all the positivity from. She was right in her way. I adore that. I have no idea what will happen to Kalmadi once the probing starts but I guess we must thank him for giving us all a wonderful experience and making the games a success.

By the way, Suresh Kalmadi was a pilot with the Indian Air Force. Knowing this fact, I am not going to say a single word against this man anymore. You know, I have a soft corner for the Indian Air Force people. :D

The day of forgiveness

2010-09-24T20:37:00.000+05:30

Every culture and every religion has given us innumerable reasons to celebrate and make merry. The list is not just limited to the festivals but also includes those special days like father's day, mother's day and world smile day which are majorly dedicated to a person, a group of persons in your life or merely a reason. I don't know how it is in other countries, but I have seen Indians celebrating almost every such day in a big fashion. Greeting cards are sold in abundance. It gives me immense pleasure when I see everybody accepting every other person's culture and making a move towards making it a part of their own lifestyle. Valentines day (infact the entire week) is celebrated with great zeal and passion. Though valentines day has been derived from the western culture, the Indians, during that time, paint the whole town red; the colour of love fills up every nook and corner. This year, I got a lot of SMSs and emails on women's day. They made me feel special even though I belong to a country where Sati and female infanticide was most prevalent.

Did you know, today, every member of the Jain community is celebrating what is known as the Kshamavani Diwas. On this day, all the Jains approach every other individual and ask for Kshama or forgiveness. They beg pardon of their mistakes and faults which were committed by them knowingly or unknowingly. They confess and ask for forgiveness. It is a day when Jains keep nothing against anybody and forgive every other individual for their mistakes. They say, forgiveness is the ultimate road to salvation. Those who forgive are the strongest people on this earth. It is very easy to get angry and shout at others but it takes a real strong heart to forgive. It is not easy to forget what happened in the past and start afresh. We, human beings, are very emotional. We do not forget the wrong-doings of others. Imagine yourself waking up one morning and forgiving every person who has ever hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally. Doesn't happen, isn't it? You'd think about it a hundred times before approaching those people and apologizing.

Forgiveness is the greatest act of kindness. A person can be kind only if they have carry no negative thoughts in their mind. Would you be kind to a person whom you do not like? I don't think it is possible. To take out all kinds of negative thoughts, you need to control your anger. Negative thoughts give birth to anger. Anger can be discarded only if you have a clear mind, a mind that thinks about more than just revenge. And revenge can be altered only if you forgive. So, basically it is the anger which needs to be thrown out of our lives.

I read somewhere, "A forgiver sleeps soundly and peacefully; but the night of an unforgiving person passes in mental tension and uneasiness. It seems as if his bed was strewn with thorns." If you ask me, I totally agree. Look into your own lives. Try to recall a day when you were angry at someone. Do you remember getting those wrinkles on your forehead, that frown which made you feel miserable. Restless sleep and uneasiness took the better of you. Didn't you spend time thinking about the whole issue? Maybe you even felt suicidal. Now imagine how your day would have passed, had you forgiven that person. Sweet, isn't it? That is the point I want to make.

I am not sure whether you have ever heard of Kshamavani Diwas. I don't know if such a day is celebrated in other parts of the world or not. Every year I apologize and ask for forgiveness from all the Jains that I know of. When I was a kid, I used to get embarrassed. When I grew up, I realised that there was nothing to be embarrassed. It is a good deed and I must do it with a pure heart. And this year, I thought I would be doing a greater deed if I share it with the rest of the world.

With folded hands, I apologize for all my mistakes. I am sorry if I had ever hurt you in any way. I beg for forgiveness.

3x7 tag

2010-09-23T23:44:00.000+05:30

I had always heard of 24x7.And this 3x7 is something new and different. And I love things that are different from the usual. Look at me, this is tag time and I have all the nonsensical things going on in my mind. I feel like blabbering because I am super-happy today. I wish I could stretch my arms, stand up on my toes and touch the sky. It feels really good when a burden falls off your shoulders and you break free. Today was one such day.

Now, because I am very happy, I decided to take this tag. Chitz tagged me sometime ago. Did I tell you that she wrote on her blog that I am one of her favourite bloggers? Did I..?? I just did. Yay..!!

- Tag as many u want!

- Link their pages in your tag post

- Post a message / leave a comment screaming that they r tagged

- Mention the person who tagged you in your tag post, and link their blog.

- Write 3 X 7 things about yourself ..

Let me choose the order in which I want to take up the rules.

Here goes the tag 3x7:

3 places i would pack my travel bag for

If you ask me then I just have one place in my mind right now. And that is Mumbai. Guys, please don't roll your eyes. I know the place is filled with filth but my friends talk about it so often that I have grown to love it. Actually, I always did love it. I have some fond memories of Mumbai. Every year I used to spend my summer vacations there. I didn't realize that Mumbai would fall in the list of places I would want to go to. I can almost hear Mumbai calling out to me.

And if I have to give two more names then it'll be some place which is calmer than the metropolitans. With lots of greenery and ofcourse which is breathtakingly beautiful. It'll just be a vacation. If you know such a place then you can tell me.

3 On-Screen characters i love to watch

1. Jim Carrey (His laugh makes me laugh)
2. Hrithik Roshan (I have always loved him)
3. Julia Robberts (I cannot name a single movie of hers which I din't like)

3 moods that describes me the best

I am a hardcore moody person. It doesn't take time for me to switch between the moods. One moment I'll be jumping around and the next moment you'll find me sulking. However, if I have to list the 3 moods (Gosh, its going to be difficult), lemme think and write. Umm...

1. Cheerful. People say that I resemble a joker, not just in looks but in character too. I am always that bubbly chulbuli girl who is completely clumsy. You'll always find me running around here and there making stupid mistakes.

2. Angry. I am not short-tempered but I can get extremely angry if things don't go my way. I am a spoilt brat and I love when people pamper me. So if you don't want me to get angry at you, pamper me.

3. I-don't-care mood. I wish I could do away with that. But I can't. I am helpless.

3 things i always think of doing on a weekend... but never did.. :)

Sleep. Yawn.

3 things from my childhood that i cant forget

As I said, I was always a joker, a known comedian in the family. I have a lot of memories from my childhood. Let us skip this one or else the next question would never come.

3 things i wud never say no to

1. Chocolates

2. Pizza

2. Flowers (No roses for me, I have other preferences. Please consult me before buying one)

3 things i cant live without

1. An internet connection (God, I feel handicap without it)

2. My phone with ample balance in it.

3. My night clothes (I don't mind wearing them even when I go out. If only I didn't have to think about impressing the guys)

And I tag Shivani, Renu, Supriya, Shalini, Ramit, Nipun, Mehak, Anjali and Sakshi.

A special mention of Cathy. I am tagging you. Hope it brings you back in form.

I am tagging only a few people so that those who have been tagged can pass on the tag to the common bloggers.

Am I thinking too much..??

2010-09-21T15:47:00.005+05:30

Delhi has had torrential rains this season. It is quite unusual for a place like the national capital, a land locked city, to have such rains in the month of September. The monsoons, here, have always been confined to July and August (yay, my birth month falls in the monsoon season). I don't really know whether to take this year's monsoon to be a curse or a boon. On one hand, the rain is making the constructions for commonwealth games turn into a disaster with roads clogged more than ever. On the other hand, the kharif crops are expected to be better than what they have ever been(pardon the little knowledge I have on this topic; I just read it in the newspaper today). Since these two aspects aren't directly related to me so let me be biased. I immensely love this season. All I want to do is relax. With a cup of coffee in my hand, I want to sit back and simply watch the rain drops as they fall. It isn't a very good idea to go out in this rain so I'd rather watch it from a distance. That is the beauty of this season. The trees and the leaves look so fresh and green; the view outside is so breath taking that you can enjoy it even from your balcony. How I wish these monsoons could just go on and on. *Sigh*

Maybe there is something in the air that I have suddenly become quieter than I was. These days, all I do is gaze at the window or even the completely-dull-blank-ceiling. Don't worry, there is nothing wrong with me. It’s just that I spend my time thinking. Sometimes, completely aimless thought cross my mind and I not only build castles in the air but also elephants, tigers and rhinos. And you know what; it is quite relieving at times. It makes me feel that I am at peace. No wonder, I am loving the rains so much even though everybody else if getting irritated with it.

Anyway, it is time that I come out of this dream. The monsoons are going to end soon. Not that I want them to end but I want the winters to come too. Okay, I really think I am loosing it now. Not a word more about the rain or even the winter season. Let us change the topic right away.

A few days back, I attended a workshop in my nephew's school. Yeah, kindergarten schools also organize workshops for parents. It was quite an interactive session wherein parents are taught how to teach their little ones. And I must tell you that the system of education has completely changed since our times. Modern day schools have adopted the American education system (as they claim). Kindergarten kids no longer need to carry books and pencils to school. Infact, there are not even taught how to write. Writing comes in much later. The memory that I have of kindergarten a involved so much writing. The first thing I learned to write was the capital letters of the English alphabets. The system is so much different. In the workshop, the teachers told us that the kids wouldn't be taught capital letters for the next two years. I was a little aghast at that because it seems to be quite late for a child to learn their letters in standard II. But the logic that they gave made sense. The children will be taught to write the small letters (cursive writing) first. Capital letters would follow once they are comfortable with the small ones. The reason why they have adopted this new system is because we use small letters more often while writing. Capital letters are used only in the beginning of a sentence or in writing proper nouns. That comprises of just 2 percent of all that we write. Doesn’t it look astonishing that the kids, nowadays, are learning a totally different concept? Well, frankly, more than the children, it is the parents who need to be taught the new system. We really need to un-learn what we learnt as kids. That’s exactly how we will teach our kids. Obviously, you don’t want your kids to get confused between what they teach at school and what their parents teach at home.

I am skeptical about what the education system would be, 10 years from now, when it is time for my kids to go to school. Yeah, I know, I know. I am still unmarried but I couldn't help but think about of what I would have to face after 10 years. Fortunately (or unfortunately) I am getting trained.

Its just the beginning

2010-09-17T12:44:00.004+05:30

Friday, 8:32 AM

An abrupt ending to a weird dream woke me up. I don't really dream too often but weird proceedings in a dream sometimes leave you shocked. Not that it was a terrifying dream but I dreamed about something which is not going to happen. Atleast not in the near future. A little perplexed that it made me, I tried to get forget about it. Still lying on the bed, I picked up my phone and saw the time. It was already 8:25 and I had to hurry up but I felt too lazy to get up. I connected to the internet on my phone and I checked my mails (I do that every morning and now it has become a routine). 3 spam mails were all I had received. Reluctant I was to get out from the comforts of my bed; I had to force myself out. I was already late for the office. I decided to get ready and ponder about the dream later.

Friday, 9:48 AM

I was all ready to go to the office but the breakfast wasn’t ready yet. To kill time, I turned on my laptop and logged in. With my gmail account open in one tab and facebook in the other, I sat there waiting for the page to load. I don’t understand why the internet is so slow in India. My brother is USA tells me that there it takes less than one-fourth the time to load a page. Now that’s incredibly fast compared to our lousy connections here. Anyway, we can talk about the pathetically slow speed of the internet later. I have more interesting things to talk about than just this. Well, something happened exactly at the moment I logged on. That very moment I received an email. Obviously I wouldn’t tell you what was there in that email but it did make me smile. And it was a perfect start to a not so perfect morning.

You know, sometimes unexpected things happen at the times you least expect them (yeah least expect them.. err.. didn’t I just say that it was unexpected). I am sure the person who had sent me the mail didn’t even realize that his small gesture would bring that broad a smile on my face. Life is quite unpredictable. At times it makes us cry so much that you wish to end it. And sometimes, it gives us so much happiness that you wish you could live longer. Everybody gets their share of joys and sorrows. Everybody..!! God can never be unkind to any one person nor will he be biased in showering his blessing on us. If you really think that he has been unkind to you, wait for the time when you will be his beloved child. And if he really is unkind to you then perhaps that is his way of correcting your mistakes. Okay, I really think that all this gyaan is not needed at this time. The only point I wanted to make here is that it feels good when ‘pleasant’ unexpected things happen to you. That is when you really understand the importance of those moments in your life. I did because I love surprises..!!

Dabangg it is..!!

2010-09-14T00:08:00.001+05:30

I saw Dabangg yesterday and it got me thinking. Yeah, a movie that was as pointless as this one made me think. Frankly, I am not much of a Salman Khan fan; I have never been one and I find him to be a useless dancer who just goes overboard in his acting. I know, one of my friend from graduation days would kill me on reading this. She has made innumerable plans of getting married to him (also, the number of children she would have with him has been pre-decided) and if at all she reads it, I will surely be dead. Its quite a daring act to admit in public that I have never liked Salman khan's style and I am risking my life, nevertheless, I will stick to my words. Dabangg was a little different from most of the Salman Khan's flicks. It wasn't that bad (I wouldn't mind if you read it as, it was a good movie). No seriously, I kind of liked it even though it had truck loads of useless drama and was a total nautanki (I think I have used this term about 50 times since yesterday).

Talking about his dance, it was still his usual overacting and forced steps but this time it was a deliberate attempt to make us laugh and fortunately (or unfortunately) he succeeded. All through the movie I was laughing at the top of my voice and I so so so loved Salman's overacting. I think for the first time ever. I loved every single dialogue he said and every single move he made. And I am not over the movie yet. It doesn't end with Salman. You should see Sonu Sood. I don't know what you are going to think about me but on seeing him on screen I almost imagined him in bed with him. He is so hot. And he has got a fabulous body. For a split second, my heart skipped a beat when he came out semi nude. Really..!! He is simply irresistible.

Okay, I think it is my turn to go a little overboard but I'll still let you in a little secret. I was actually fantasizing about kissing Salman khan with that little moustache. I mean, I have always despised men with moustache (No offense to you if you have a moustache, girl's generally don't like it). But after this movie, I gave it a thought. I realised that men could actually look ~~cute~~ hot with a moustache. Though I still prefer a clean shaven man, the probable scope of finding an eligible man for me has suddenly increased. I definitely have a reason to rejoice.

Humka peeni hai, peeni hai, humka peeni hai..

A change much-needed

2010-09-11T15:05:00.000+05:30

Those who have been following my blog, regularly, know that I haven’t be the cheerful, bubbly girl of late. Off and on I have been cribbing about my life, how much I hate it and how much I desperately needed a change. Change is good, I think. It really helps you to get over that depressing monotony and replenish our almost-dead-souls. Sometimes you really wish to take a plunge into a bucketful of refreshing water (as in freezing cold) and just come out afresh, put on your roller skates and just rattle on. I mean, doesn’t it sound way too exciting. I wouldn’t mind a change, a wild adventure that is. Not that I am looking for a near-death experience but yes, a little change in the mood is always welcome. Eagerly.

Don’t take me wrong here. I am not cribbing again. I just had a little encounter with fun last night and it did help me get the ball rolling this morning. It was simply a little hoopla which not just made me smile but brought a big grin on my face. Just a little bounce here and a little leap there, it felt nice to be dancing again, especially when I was two drinks down. It is not that I haven’t partied in a long time. Just a week back there was a small reunion with my college friends and I had a wonderful time. The only difference was that the mood wasn’t right then and some small issues creeping into my mind didn’t really let the alcohol do its bit but it was different yesterday. Maybe my mood of a lighthearted, jovial and a happy-go-lucky soul made me pull through my constant unceasing snarls. I had a lovely time. The fact that I wanted to move on, perhaps, made me enjoy more than I usually do. The best part was that I didn’t know half the people there. I could just be the way I wanted to be.

Anyhow, it’s a lovely day today. I loved the rain and I thoroughly enjoyed the drive to the office. My fingers, that were on a lookout for a jazzy song, had been rapidly shuffling through the radio stations and stopped every time there was a breath-taking number on the other side (read ear-splitting wild music ). There was absolutely no bickering from anyone and there wasn’t anybody to yell at. Gosh, at times I wonder how life would have been if I had been the only woman on this earth. Just me and myself.

You know what? I must admit, I have started to love spending time in my own company. It just makes me recollect all the loose threads in my life and weave them the way I want them to be. I know, I know. Don’t tell me that you guys think that I love myself a lot. Yes I do and I already know that. After all, main apni favourite hun..!!

Envisage

2010-09-09T23:19:00.002+05:30

As a kid, I have had an image in my mind. Over the years my perceptions have changed, and so has that image. But there is only one aspect which hasn't changed and remains intact in that image. No thoughts, no knowledge and no perceptions has ever been able to change it. Though I had entirely forgotten about it, a few days back I was reminded of the image while I was travelling by car. I know, this isn't really a good way to start a post but my heart and soul are completely lost in that image right now that I am not able to get my words right.

I have always tried to imagine what my life will be like, lets say 10 or maybe 20 years down the line. My mind has had innumerable encounters (sometimes consciously and sometimes unconsciously) with the people who will be a part of my life a few years hence. Though it is entirely an illusion, I am just being optimistic that I would get all that I have been ~~day~~dreaming about. But, there is one thing that I desire with my purest heart. The place where I am going to live. Sadly, the image is nowhere near the image that I have of Delhi. Not that I don't like Delhi, but it is certainly not the place I would want to spend my entire life in. Okay, its not even that I have any plans of leaving Delhi in the near future (I am so so so in love with this city that the mere thought of leaving it gives me jitters). But I have realized that the image that I have in my mind is not of this lovely city. It is more of a serene place, nothing like what I am living in right now.

Do those six lane roads on either side in a metropolitan city excite you..?? It doesn't even have half an effect on my adrenaline. Maybe because I have grown up in Delhi and I have always seen these wide roads, it doesn't make my heart skip a beat nor does it makes my heart rush. I want to live in a place which is eerily quiet with no traffic rush. I want to live in a place with four lane roads, two on each side and a huge divider in between which has huge trees planted every 1 meter. The two lanes must have trees on either side in such a way that only see a thin blue strip of the sky is visible amidst the trees. When I look up in the sky, I don't want to see the bright sun glaring at me. All I want to see a clear sky with a color so blue that even the richest blue looks pale in front of it. I want the entire city to look beautiful; without a single depressing sight to look at.

And flowers. Yes, ofcourse. Imagine an enormous field of yellow tulips stretching up to the horizon. Maybe it'll remind you of Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge (the only difference being that there it was a field of yellow mustard instead of tulips). No, I don't want my man to come running towards me singing "tujhe dekha to yeh jaana sanam". I'd rather sit on a lush green pasture near that band of flowers reading books to my kids. I want to live in a small city with not many inhabitants around. Quiet and yet so lively. I wish to teach my kids how to swim in an open lake. I don't want to spend time and energy (and money too) trying to get a membership in the best club in Delhi. Apart from a few filthy rich friends who believe in nothing but show off, I would have nothing. Yes, I will be able to provide good education to my children. But its not necessary to live in a metropolitan city to do that. I simply want to lead a peaceful life away from all the hustle and bustle of the big cities.

I am sure a lot of you might think that I am a fool to be dreaming things like this. My image is more like a scene straight from a movie. Some of you might even argue that it doesn't happen anymore. But I know that somewhere it does happen. I know that I may never leave Delhi but I have an extremely sweet image in my mind. Over the years, all I have done is dream. I have always considered life to be a fairy tale. I still believe that a charming prince would come my way and I would elope with him on a horseback. I still think that I am the most beautiful person alive on this earth. I still have a hope that someday my name will make the headlines. I still expect that when I wake up the next morning, life doesn't give me a single reason to frown. I don't know how much of it would be true. I know that all I doing is building castles in the air. But its just this hope that keeps me going. All I hope is for a better tomorrow.

What makes a woman happy?

2010-09-07T12:07:00.000+05:30

Why do people feel lonely even when they have a hundred people around them? How is it that people who are single not be lonely? What do they have that others in a relationship do not have? Why do they feel empty inside? I have had the same questions running through my mind over and over again. I still have them but it is just that every time I think about the answers, they only get clearer. Amy’s O, I saw this movie yesterday and yes, it did help me get a few answers straight. For the same reason, I loved this movie.

“Money cannot only buy happiness but it can also buy a magnifying glass where you see your deepest emptiness.”

Being a woman, I have also questioned myself as to what would make me happy, now or maybe even 15 years down the line. Trust me; there aren’t too many options available. I want to be rich and famous. I want a husband. I want to have children with my husband. I want my parents near me. I want my girl friends with whom I can bitch. I want a successful career. I also want an amazing sex life. Along with a few small things here and there, this list is exhaustive. Once I have all these things, I think I’ll be happy. I think so.

But there is something else that is needed to make every woman feel complete. A lot of single women out there, who live alone, do not feel the emptiness inside because they are not lonely. But a lot of other women, who have men in their lives and almost all of the above mentioned things, still feel lonely. That’s because there is something missing, something so small that they have learned to live without it and yet it is not that small a thing to be ignored.

There are hopelessly romantic people all over the world who try every other way to connect to the opposite sex and they do succeed. Sometimes, they say that besides love, it is necessary to have a wonderful sex life. Perhaps they just mean to say that sex becomes a savior for relationships that no longer have any spark in them. Sex does ignite that spark but it doesn’t when there isn’t any love in between. There definitely has to be love for things to work out. Let us be very clear here. I really believe that a perfect sex life can only come to those women who have that right man in their lives. And how would you know if the man is right? Men, please don’t frown here. I mean to ask the same question to you too? How would you know if the woman in your life is right? I say, you would just know. Your first instinct would tell you. Do I sound like a fool? Yeah, maybe to some I do but let me explain what I mean here. Or rather let us take an example. Just take anybody you know who you think is in love, today or has ever been in love. It could be you, it could be anybody, your mom, your dad, anybody. Now, when was the first time that person felt that he or she is in love? I am talking about the very first time. The first instant when you felt that yes, he is the one for me, or she is the one for me. There must have been a first time when that feeling arose inside. It could have happened to your mom and dad too. They have been married for ages now. Infact, most of them got married before they started loving each other. Arranged marriages..!! It happens in them too. There is one single instance when you know that who married the right person. I repeat it is the first instinct when you come to know that.

Frankly, I had grown to believe that these first instincts are merely false alarms. I mean, they could be false in many cases. But now I think that it is our failure to understand what love is. And for those who have been a victim of these false alarms, then my dearest sweethearts, let me just tell you that these false alarms were nothing but questions without an answer. Infact they don’t even qualify to be called instincts. And this is not my experience speaking, this is what my perception is. This is what I have chosen to believe. And yes, I do believe in it.

Let me be a little biased now. Let me speak up from a woman’s heart. A true woman who wants to live a happy life, for her sex is not important. Sex only doubles the passion. If there isn’t any passion then I am sorry to say that you are in a wrong relationship.

People, don’t take me too hard because I am neither a psychiatrist nor a relationship therapist to say it. I am just a woman who has certain perceptions and I just want to pen them down. It is as simple as that.

There is nothing in this world that can make a woman feel complete. Only love could do that to her.

The pain that I earned

2010-09-02T01:01:00.000+05:30

It felt heavy like a stone,
My head refused to sway.
Stuck in one place,
I could feel the throbbing within.
I didn't want to move.
There wasn't even a chance.
Sitting there, I tried to open my eyes.
It all looked hazy
But I saw nothing,
It could have been tears,
Or maybe even blood
Whatever it was, it had all dried up
If only my hands could reach for water,
Was it an accident,
Or was I drugged and raped,
I just couldn't remember
But I could taste the blood,
I could feel the pain
My jaws hurt, and in my head
there was a terrible migraine.
My lips cracked,
I could feel them dry
Perhaps, I was dehydrated
water was what I needed.
I licked them with my tongue,
little relief did I get,
Buried inside was a fact
unknown to the world
that this is what I had "earned"
the misery was all mine
and my life, now, adjourned.

I didn't want to write such a post but I did. When the mood is not right, it gets reflected in our thought process. I am not feeling too good. However, this is purely a piece of friction. To the best of my knowledge, it has no resemblance to me or my life or to anybody related to me in any way. I wrote it because I wanted to know what pain could do to others. Now I know..!!

I'll be there for you..

2010-08-31T23:57:00.000+05:30

There was a day when I was lonely,

Weak I had felt, my knees wobbly,

Deceived, I felt, not knowing where to go

Such was my dismay,

It seemed that life, on my face, gave me a big blow

You extended your hand,

And you take a step towards me,

You took my hand in yours, and said,

"I promise to be with you,

You don't have to worry,

You'll find be standing right next to you,

In every situation that seems a bit awry."

There was another day when you were lonely,

Perhaps unable to speak up, you still wouldn't agree

Don't know how you felt,

But being your closest friend,

I knew you weren't well.

I extended my hand,

And I took a step towards you

You looked odd; little concerned, I said

"I promise to be with you,

And you don't have to worry,

You'll find me standing right next to you,

In every situation that seems a bit awry."

Just a few days back, it so happened

Unsure of the future, I remained baffled

Friends we shall always remain, I wanted to say

but before I could say anything,

you put your finger on my lips,

"Ssshhh",

"Don't utter a word"

You took a deep breath and you said,

"I promise to be with you,

and you don't have to worry,

You'll find me standing right next to you,

in every situation that seems a bit awry."

And today, it happened again,

Lonely and distraught, difficult to ascertain

But I could sense that there is something bothering you,

I know that you don't wish to talk,

I am not in a hurry,

Its okay, the stories can wait

But there is something that I wanted to tell you

Maybe you won't listen but I want you to know,

That I promise to be with you,

and you don't have to worry.

You'll find me standing right next to you,

today, tomorrow and forever even if the situation is not awry.

Mind Block

2010-08-27T23:21:00.005+05:30

Does it happen too often with you that your mind gets blocked and you're unable to think straight over simplest of problems. Do you want to take a break and move out of the daily mental upheaval and all you intend to do is to go in a blissful slumber forgetting everything that eats your brain day in and day out. I don't know if anybody would agree or not but I am definitely in this state and that's the reason why I often feel out of place.

Bruised and battered amidst a dense jungle,

I find myself all alone, surrounded by

those hungry eyes tearing me down,

razor sharp claws ready to pounce at the slightest of movement,

deadly venom dripping from their salivating mouths

and their famished stomachs waiting

for the mouth-watering feast to be served on a silver platter

This is exactly my current state. I have nothing better to do than just sit back, observe people and their unusual characteristics (yeah, right). You know sometimes, it is quite amusing to see the extent to which people can pursue diplomacy and at the same time indulge in telling white lies. No, seriously. It is quite amusing.

Anyway, this is part of growing up (vertically and not horizontally, definitely not the way I have been growing all the while)

And you, Mr. Blocked Mind, shoooooo..!!

Absence

2010-08-18T15:18:00.002+05:30

16, she counted on her fingers. 16 years had passed. 16 whole years. Her life had moved on. She had her own times, some good and some bad. She had her own memories, some that brought a smile on her face and some that brought tears in her eyes. And she had lived them all. Strong inside and beautiful outside, she tilted her head a little upwards and closed her eyes. A little tear that trickled down her face was soon lost as it got mixed with other drops that fell from the shower. Neeta froze under the shower. It wasn’t a good time to be reminded of something that always made her heart weep. But life has its own way of bringing back memories at times that may not be appropriate. And there she stood crying over something that could not be reversed.

******

She got down from the school bus. Usually, her mother came to pick her up from the bus stop. She didn’t understand why she had sent the servant today. But without a word, she let the servant hold her hand and walk her to the other side of the road where she lived. Winters had just got over and the sun was shining bright. It was a hot day and she wiped the beads of perspiration that formed above her lips. For an 8 year old girl, the 500 meters walk back home was definitely tiresome. But she kept walking. She could almost see her house now. A two storied bungalow stood in front of her. She did not understand what a residential colony meant but she knew that her house was different from her friends. She wasn’t allowed to go out to play. She had no friends in and around her house. The only difference she could make out was based on her father coming home for lunch every afternoon. She knew that her father’s office was on the ground floor, just below the floor she lived on. Little did she understand that her house was in a commercial area. There were no houses around. There were just buildings where people worked.
But today, it all looked so different. The shutter to her father’s office was down. She tried to remember what day it was. It was definitely not a Wednesday when her father had a weekly off. The otherwise crowded place with labourers running here and there was completely deserted today. With a question in her eyes, she turned to the servant, “Bhaiya, aaj papa ka office band kyun hai. Aaj Wednesday to nahi hai”

Much to her annoyance, he remained silent.

*****

Neeta remembered the proceedings of the day quite well. She was a kid then, she did not understand what it meant to lose a sister. She did not grieve for a single moment. The people around her thanked the good old God for taking her away, for at last she was relieved of the pain. Born as a mentally retarded child, Neeta had always seen her sister on the bed lying like a lifeless creature. But today, after 16 years, Neeta understands what this loss was for her mother and her father. Deep inside, she wanted to see her little sister again. Today she understands how her life would have been different if her sister had been alive. Today, she understands the absence of a sister, the most beautiful girl ever born on this planet. Sadly, Neeta does not have any of her pictures except the ones which she has in her memory. Memory of a little girl lying on the bed who could not speak, who could not walk and but somehow understood every word that Neeta spoke. And today, she has an empty feeling inside for there isn’t any little sister who could hear her speak.

PS: This is a true story.

Whatever will be, will be

2010-08-15T23:00:00.002+05:30

When I was just a little girl

I asked my mother, what will I be

Will I be pretty, will I be rich

Here's what she said to me.

Que Sera, Sera,

Whatever will be, will be,

The future's not ours to see

Que Sera, Sera,

What will be, will be.

The first I heard this song, it was the school choir singing for a play called Que Sera Sera. And this happened to be the first few songs which I learnt to play on the keyboard. It was one of those songs which I used to sing quite casually, jumping from one sofa onto the other. A songs whose words didn't really matter to me. Little did I know that this song will leave a deep mark in my life. No, I am serious. Even after 15 years, it is this song that gets me going. Whenever I feel a little let down by the rest of the world and I have a lot of questions popping up in my head, my life automatically plays this song in the background and I feel so much lighter. Maybe it is life's own way of telling me whatever will be, will be. I had never really thought about it but today, I did realize it when my mind raced back in time. Life truly is amazing.

You know what, life gives us a chance to control the proceedings of our lives, not just in the way we want it to be but in a way that is the best for us.

Have you ever noticed why do the cars have brakes.

Or why is there a red button in all cell phones.

Or why is there an option to ignore the friend request on every social networking site.

Now, you know what I am talking about, don't ya..??

Life gives us all a second chance, we all know that. I have gradually com to realize that life gives us a hint, an indication whenever we are going on the wrong track. And only if you take that hint, do you get a second chance.

Trust me, it holds true in each and every case. With absolutely no exceptions. The sooner you take the hint and come back on the right track, the better it is for you.

PS : Today I finally saw Once Upon A Time In Mumbai and I loved it. I mean, I really really loved it. And if you still haven't seen this movie then you are certainly missing something.

Read if you have nothing better to do

2010-08-13T19:19:00.003+05:30

Garima tagged me on this one. I have a lot of pending tags to complete. And if this tag hadn't been so long, I surely would have taken up two tags today.

Garima called it the "Father Of All Tags".

Ten how’s:

1. How did you get one of your scars? – I dropped hot tea on my arm when I was less than a year old. Its not a scar but its a big burn mark which looks like a scar.

2. How did you celebrate your last birthday? Oh, I celebrated my birthday on two consecutive days. Lotsa things happened but lemme just tell you people that I got lots of gifts and ate like crazy. Whooaa.. Am I looking too fat..??

3. How are you feeling at this moment? Had a puja at home, I almost feel dead. I think I am going to crash early tonight.

4. How did your night go last night? Just the usual, nothing great. Dinner, laptop, and my bed.

5. How did you do in high school? Oh, amazing. I was always out of the class checking out all the hot dudes. I always knew I was good at that.

6. How did you get the shirt you’re wearing? Coincidently, I am wearing a suit, my birthday gift, from bhabhi.

7. How often do you see your best friend(s)? Just 2 months back, I used to see them quite frequently. But now, :(

8. How much money did you spend last month? More than what my salary is.

9. How old do you want to be when you get married? Now..!! Now..!! Now..!! Right Now..!!

10. How old will you be at your next birthday? Are you asking me..??

Nine what’s:

1. Your mothers name? Mummy..

2. What did you do last weekend? I think I was at home.

3. What is the most important part of your life? Everything.

4. What would you rather be doing? I can hear the rain pouring outside. Now you know what I would rather be doing.

5. What did you last cry over? My dad scolded me for touching his DVD's. *Kiddish*

6. What always makes you feel better when you’re upset? Staring at myself in the mirror. It makes me laugh.

7. What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other? Does not remain quiet.

8. What are you worried about? The ceiling collapsing on me.

9. What did you have for breakfast? Porridge. Yummm..!!

Eight you’s:

1. Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend? Oh ofcourse. I stopped counting long back.

2. Have you ever had your heartbroken? Yes

3. Have you ever been out of the country? No

4. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? Yeah. I get red when the entire family takes up the incident that happened in Ajmer few years back. No, I am not telling you guys..!!

5. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend? Yes

6. Have you ever had sex on the beach? NO!!!

7. Have you ever dated someone younger than you? Yes..!!

8. Have you ever read an entire book in one day? Lotsa times.

Seven who’s:

1. Who was the last person you saw? Saw as in..?? Like, right now or the last person I was seeing..??

2. Who was the last person you texted? *picks up the phone to see* A colleague, asking her to get my recharge done.

3. Who was the last person you hung out with? Shit, I need to take out more time for friends.

4. Who was the last person to call you? My mom.

5. Who did you last hug? My brother. It's his birthday today.

6. Who is the last person who texted you? N (not the same as above though)

7. Who was the last person you said “I love you” to? You think I am telling that to you.

Six where’s:

1. Where does your best friend(s) live? 1 in the same city, 2 in the other.

2. Where did you last go? Office.

3. Where did you last hang out? GIP Mall, Noida.

4. Where do you go to school? I don't anymore.

5. Where is your favorite place to be? My favourite corner in my room.

6. Where did you sleep last night? On the shit pot. Hell, what kind of a question is that. Ofcourse on the bed.

Five do’s:

1. Do you think anyone likes you? Do you want me to believe that nobody does. No way..!!

2. Do you ever wish you were someone else? Yeah

3. Do you know the muffin man? Naah…

4. Does the future scare you? Yeah..Sometimes…

5. Do your parents know about your blog? Yeah…they know that I write but I refrain from sharing the url.

Four why’s:

1. Why are you best friends with your best friend? Because I like being best friends with my best friends because they like being best friends to me too.

2. Why did you get into Blogging? I don't know. A friend asked me to.

3. Why did your parents give you the name you have? Long Story. And weird too. Gah..!!

4. Why are you doing this survey? I don’t have anything else to do…

Three if’s:

1. If you could have one super power what would it be? Power to control the mind of the man in my life. Yeah..!!!!

2. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? I'd rather not disturb anything that happened in the past. Its only because of what happened that I am what I am.

3. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring 1 thing, what would you bring? A cologne. I want to smell good if a hot guy drops in. No, I don't need clothes. ;-)

Two would-you-ever’s:

1. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you? Hell, no.

2. Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? If it really is love.

One last question:

1. Are you happy with your life right now? No

Now, Lemme tag Nipun, Sups, Sepo, Vandy, Chitz, Atul, Rashmi, Chandrika, Mehak, Buckinfastard and Anjali.

Others, feel free to take up this tag.

When you really want to go on...

2010-08-11T18:51:00.001+05:30

I am so so so happy today. This is what I call life. I am so in love with it. I don't really mind dancing like a clown today even if it means making a fool out of myself in front of 100 odd people. And the reason for this sudden burst of happiness is none other than the rain itself. Delhi people, did you see it rain today?. Whoaaa..!! I am still drooling over the dance in the rain. I missed it again. *Sigh* But I loved the rain today.

If you have spent this monsoon in Delhi, then you definitely can understand the bounds of my happiness. Just yesterday, I was cursing the monsoons for not bringing enough rain to satisfy my hunger (yeah, you read that right. Hunger). And today, there was more rain than I could have ever imagined. Not this year atleast.

I left from office early today. I was in a mood to pamper myself. Since morning, things were in a pretty bad shape till late afternoon. I wasn't in the best of my mood. There is nothing better than pampering your own self. And guess what, I got a new haircut. Yippiee. Okay, I must tell you the truth. My hair is in a mess now owing to the rain. I got a nice hep cut this time and that stylist had done a fairly good job but the darn guy who parked his car right behind mine and left without a word, spoilt it all. Grrr..!!

But you know what people, I loved the rain. (Told ya, I am still drooling). And I loved the drive back home. I got a little scared with the lightening, u know it was actually pretty scary and the only thing that came to my mind was the cloud burst that happened in Leh sometime back. I have never driven before in a rain like this. Crazy rain, I would call it. More than the rain, it was the storm accompanying it that made the rain look devilish. It was just too strong. I could barely see the cars in front of me. The visibility was not more than 5 meters. The only thing I wished was to stand in the rain and let it flow through. The only thing I wanted was to let go of all my sorrows. The only thing I craved for was to look up at the dark clouds above and say, "Honey, I am stronger than you." And I did nothing of this sort but I still have a big grin on my face. A smile, that would never end. The same one, which now has the guts to say to the world, "Look, I will not let you spoil my mood. And if you really want to give it a try, be prepared to be ignored. Ahaan."

You are my alcohol

2010-08-08T15:15:00.001+05:30

My darling, you're like beer,

3 bottles down and my life gets in fourth gear.

Sugar, You're that rum,

That makes my taste buds go yum yum yum.

You're the premium whisky,

That makes me long to hear your voice so husky.

A lady's man, you're like vodka,

With God's grace, I found you honey, eureka eureka.

A little nasty, you're that wine,

With time that makes a deeper love line.

When you get wrathful, you're that tequila,

That makes me dance to Shakira Shakira.

You're a brandy,

A cognac, tasting like peppermint candy.

You're the drink I want to hold on

Baby, I am addicted to you..!!

PS : After writing this post, when I read it, I was like Oh my God..!! and I burst out laughing. I swear, I had come to write a very serious post. Somehow, I did not have the heart to discard it. I so so so love this one.. I had to publish it for you guys to read. Enjoy my super duper creative instincts, fellas..

So you think you are ready for it..??

2010-08-03T23:36:00.000+05:30

I have been avoiding this for a long time now but every morning when I take the newspaper in my hands, I can almost see the national capital being reduced to ruins. Even before the monsoons arrived in Delhi, I could elicit what would be the fate of this city. While the commonwealth games are just round the corner, the whole city is dug up, the budget is being continually raised but the progress has been alarmingly slow. I really want to believe that the games would be a success but I see nothing going as per the plan.

Delhi is in the midst of hazy dusty clouds that is getting worse by each passing day. The entire Delhi is dug up. Yes, there was a time when I had complete faith in the progress of the constructions going on but with the stadiums giving in to the rain, I am forced to change my mind. With the quality certificates being fabricated, you can just blame the leakage and the architectural designs of the newly constructed stadiums. Better still, you can blame the corrupt politicians who still have the guts to make public statements claiming that there is absolutely no fault in the engineering of the buildings. Well, what would you expect if you are in a hurry to demolish the old Delhi and rebuild anew.

I am not a fool, nor are the other Delhiites. We aren't even blind. We completely are of sound mind and can logically deduce what we see and read every day. The budget has been revised 15-16 times, if I remember correctly. This is crazy. Forget about the poor quality furniture that has been ordered, the commonwealth village is not even ready and the games are exactly two months away. The swimming pool is not ready. The cycling event was on the verge of being scraped off because Delhi does not have a good cycling track. And still we hear the so called big shots talking about the games would be a success.

I really wish our ministers had not rented treadmills worth a whooping 9 lakhs. I don't see any logic in spending 7000 bucks on a toilet paper roll. I wish they has used this money in something more constructive. With the commonwealth games 61days away from the date of commencement, I just cannot get myself to believe that the newly renovated Delhi would indeed look new.

Olympic games are due in 2012 and London is almost ready with the stadiums and state-of-the-art facility. I was amazed to read that they are ready to host the games if they were to start tomorrow. And look at Delhi. It doesn't seem all right. My family has ordered tickets for the swimming and the basketball events, and I promise I would definitely go in to see if India is capable of hosting it right or is it merely a rat-race of who-will-host-the-games-next.

If the preparations proceed in this manner then India will soon be black listed to be a host country. Let us keep our fingers crossed.

Maybe next time, we will genuinely put in our resources in the right direction rather than installing a few hundred condom vending machines.

If only we had a back-up plan.

All's not well that doesn't end well

2010-08-02T21:23:00.000+05:30

Its my birthday today and I have every reason to be happy. And for most part of the day I had been happy. But as the evening neared, I wasn't in the best of my moods. I hate to write a sad post on a day that is very special and so close to my heart.

I have always been excited on my birthdays. For me, it has been a day which must stand out from the days that usually go by. Its a day I really look forward to. I mean, its like when my birthday is still a month away, I get all excited and start making plans and keep joking about my gifts, start telling my friends to keep themselves free, dream about the dark chocolate cakes, think about who would call in at midnight and the places I would go to, and you know, things like that.

And trust me, after a month long planning if things don't go the way you had planned, it really hurts. Infact, more than the plan, if the people around you seem less enthusiastic about the whole birthday thing, it doesn't ignite a spark in you either.

There are things which I really want to say but for the first time ever, I am not comfortable about writing it openly, something which I have never bothered about on my blog. I have always been vocal here, irrespective of what people might think and what people might say, I don't know, I don't even feel like telling it to anybody.

You know what, I don't want any gifts if there is no party. There must be a million people who are partying today at this time for absolutely no reason at all. And I have a reason to party but I am sitting at home in front of my laptop writing a post I so do not want to write. Thats not how I wanted my birthday to end.

Seriously guys, I love to party. Party and gifts go hand in hand. A party without gifts seems so dull (no, I am not being mean). Likewise, gifts without party don't excite me too much. I am happy with what I have. I don't want anything else but a celebration when it is time to celebrate.

Actually, I am not really in a mood to write.

I'll just leave you guys here.

PS : I am really sorry. I haven't been able to find time to read your blogs. Not because I loaded with work but because my mind is loaded. Need some time.

Little things that matter

2010-07-25T20:44:00.000+05:30

I had gone to the mall today. I wasn't in the best of my moods (don't ask me why because I don't know either). It was just a routine mood swing and I had been silent the whole day. And then something happened that made me smile for a little while.

Let me not waste time. I'l come straight to the incident. I had to use the washroom (everybody does, so don't raise your eyebrows. I ain't talking filthy). Now, as I entered the rest room, there was a maid (I don't know if she is called by a specific name, but the point is that she is the one who sweeps and cleans the toilets). So she was sitting just behind the door and I had, perhaps, hit her as I opened the what door. I just said a quick sorry and moved on. But she hurriedly got up and stopped me from using the washroom. I was a bit taken aback and I couldn't really understand what was going inside. She asked me to come out of the loo. And then she said, "aap yahan ruko, main dekh leti hun ki seat saaf hai ya nahi" (you wait here, lemme check whether the seat is clean or not). Saying this she wiped the seat even though it was already clean, and tore put a big chunk from the toilet roll and covered the bin so that I couldn't see the dirty things inside.

Trust me, it was the first time I had seen something of this sort. Well, you might say that its her job to keep the washroom clean but who bothers to do that in a mall. Besides, it is something that you would do on your own. If it hadn't been for that woman, and if the toilet seat had been dirty, I would have cribbed for not more than 5 secs, cursed the one who had used it before me and I would automatically put a tissue around it. I mean, seriously guys, I had entered the toilet when she asked me to come out and she cleaned it. I was really impressed. I had made a mental note to leave her a tenner for her commendable gesture but when I came out she had just vanished. She wasn't there.

Don't you guys think that it was really nice of her to do something like that. Its not a five star hotel or even a restaurant where the rest rooms are kept spick and span. It was a mall, for Christ's sake.

Anyway, it was really impressive. Maybe, I'll remember it for a long time.

By the way, it is my bhai and bhabhi's anniversary today. I had gifted them a pair of ceramic fish (see below) for their new home. I had also written a sort-of-poem to go with it. Read on and lemme know how do you find it.

The Buddhist say so,
So do the Christians,
The Hindus and the Jains too.
The ancient oceanic explorers
have been awed by their findings from the deep
A fish is much more than a fish,
For it gives you wisdom,
And makes your brain sharp enough to reason.
The one in Gold brings good fortune,
Peace and prosperity, in your life, all attuned.
With its eyes open at all times,
It'll bring to you
A panorama of harmony, uninterrupted.
It'll teach you to be like itself,
with no fear to drown in the ocean of sufferings.
On this special occasion,
I pass on to you the fish in Gold
May these fish fill your home
with its golden-red-orange brilliance
and fill your life with these vibrant hues.

Well, to be truthful, this is the first time I wrote a poem which doesn't not talk about emotions and feelings in general. The first time I wrote about something tangible. So I really really really want an honest feedback..

The colours of emotions

2010-07-23T15:03:00.001+05:30

What was once so vivid, now seems so livid.
Without a trace of colour, uninteresting for others.
What was once an assemblage of coloured glass, a mosaic,
Now looks a dull creation of prosaic,
Ordinary and unglamorous.
Once I wanted it to be all jazzy
But now it remains pallid, so lifeless.
My inclination to show it to the world exists no more.
My life has always been a multifaceted prism,
Every angle produced a different colour every time
And now it has been reduced to a plane glass
A dull lifeless colour goes in and the same comes out.
Nothing extravagant. No razzle-dazzle. Just a plane simple life.
Sometimes, I get afraid and I hide myself under my shell.
For I don't wan't them to see me wrecked and lonely,
I don't want them to know that its not the same anymore.
It was you who made the colours come alive,
It was you who made my life close to a kaleidoscope,
So vibrant and yet so unusual.
Its not the same without you.
I know, it'll take some time for you to return,
And till then, you'll find me living,
On the colours that you had embellished,
In my heart and in my soul.

Memories, and you..!!

2010-07-20T11:33:00.000+05:30

Lying on the bed, I found nothing better to do

I stared at the ceiling above,

Perhaps trying to unpuzzle what the future beholds

not just for me, but for you as well.

But my quest to understand the future was long forgotten

In no time, I was lost in the maze so divine
My eyes filled with tears and my lips twitched
Emotions that brought you close,
slowly formed a dense cloud right in front of my eyes

Tossing and turning, the memories bedazzled

My thoughts unraveled, my mind entangled

Deeper and deeper I went into the labyrinth

with bewildering complexities, woven together.

My mind raced, I didn't want to waste any time
Of the little time I had, I just wanted to think about you
Everything else could wait,
Wait for a lifetime, perhaps.
This moment, it was just you
How I longed for you to be near
Hold my hand and hug me tight
For all the days and nights we have spent alone
Make up for all the time that has already been lost
They say, distance makes the heart grow fonder
I want to believe them, I really do, but I better not.
For I don't want the distance to come between us
I want you with me, right on my side.
No, I am not taking any chance.
Let there not be any distance
Come closer and lets not make our love, history.
Lets keep it fresh, the way it always was.
You have been gone for sometime,
But your memories never left me.
Its all fresh and its coming back to me.
The first time you held my hand
The first time you hugged me
The first time you kissed me
The first time you made love to me
The first time you bent down to wipe my tears.
I remember it all, and I wouldn't even forget

For moments that have gone by
and for my moments that are yet to come
Come honey, come back to me
Come, kiss me and hold me tight
Don't let the distance come between us.
I miss you today, but tomorrow it'll be you
and if you miss me, don't frown at the thought
because I didn't walk away, it was you who had let me go.
Come honey, come back to me
with arms wide open, I wait for your return
Come, kiss me and hold me tight
Come, before its too late.

This one's for you @ease, my 100th post

2010-07-13T22:38:00.002+05:30

I came to write something else but then I realized that this is going to be my 100th post. I wasn't in a very good mood (for reasons which must I have already talked about in some of my previous posts) but now I am all smiles.

I feel so good to have successfully and quite willingly crossed 100 posts. 100 freaking posts.

Yay..!!

So lemme write something for the guy, @ease, who introduced me to writing. I am sure you must have read this name a lot of times on my blog. I can't help it, I am so obsessed with him. hihihahaha (my very own devilish laugh)

so here it is for you, @ease:

Pleasures came alive
when you set your foot into my life
Days, weeks and months went by
and never did you make me cry
A passion, you found
devotion, as it may sound
for real, I started to write
with my utmost delight
when months turned into an year
I could still see you so near
My love, I want you to remain
even if from writing, I refrain
for you are the one who changed my life
from a girl so dumb to a girl 'all-right'.

Okay, @ease now stop throwing a tantrum and give me a call.

PS : This is my first attempt at making a poem rhyme. I could just get to rhyme simple words, I know I am too bad at it.

PPS : Since I just celebrated my blog's first birthday, a month back, I simply couldn't understand what more I could have written at such an occasion.

PPPS : I love you all...

You wont find anything useful, just my rants and raves

2010-07-11T14:33:00.001+05:30

When I woke up this morning, I wasn't in the best of my moods. I felt as if suddenly the life has come to a stand still. There wasn't much that I could do about it but I could feel that things have been shaping up on their own in a way that is just not how I want them to be. I haven't been doing anything of late because I want to take a back seat and see life from the eyes of a spectator. I have this weird feeling that whatever is going on, I have nothing to do with it. Its just happening on its own. The only thing I am doing is going with the flow.

Things haven't been too good. Not personally and not even on the professional front. I have been working with my family for the past one year now and I cannot even count on my fingers, the ill-effects of working with the family. There are so many. I just want to break free. I want to be alone for some time. I want to spend time on my own. Just me.

You know, its sad to be a fresher and the junior most family member in the office. People don't regard you as a boss nor do they consider you to be one of them. Its like you can't say anything to anybody 'coz you know that they wouldn't listen to you. And when you need to talk and discuss something about your own self, you find yourself all alone. Why the heck would other employees confide in you and why would you confide in them considering you are the boss' daughter. They have some fixed perceptions about you which, at any cost, would not change.

Among a handful of employees, I found some peace in the department I am working in right now. Things were pretty good in the beginning. They still are good but as they say one bad apple spoils the entire bunch, things haven't been the same as they used to be. There is always one single element whom you cannot understand and when you understand its too late. Plus, I am always nagged by the other employees for being over friendly with one group. But I can't explain it to these assholes that I am a human being too. I need people around me. I need to talk. I want to be just myself. Laugh the way I want to and not be judged on my laughter for being a daughter of the boss. Bull shit. Fuck you. I am just too angry with every second person there.

I just want to be my own self. I really miss myself. I am not the person I was. The worst part is that I cannot tell anybody about it. I cannot explain. When I joined here, I really wanted to learn. I worked fine for the first few months but the absence of a person with whom I could share things affected my performance. I thought I'd get friendly with people of my age, but there were 10 people who stood up to complain that I don't work. Fuck you too.

My performance is just not the same anymore. I have lost the zeal to work. When my family asked me what the reason was I just couldn't tell them that I do not like it when people constantly keep an eye on me and the moment I get up from the chair everybody is interested in knowing what I am talking about and whom I am talking to. I just broke down. I couldn't say anything. And today they think that I am a useless girl who does not want to work at all.

I feel like a loser in front of my family as well as professionally.

I have had hard luck. It doesn't matter if I work the whole day but the moment I log in to my Facebook account or start to read somebody's blog (which has been considerably reduced), I always find someone nosing around ready to get up and complain.

I feel its becoming so bad that I have come to realize that I am gradually becoming more of a liability to the company.

I just want to be myself. That is it. I am sick and tired of being judged day in and day out.

And I am sick of being underestimated at all times.

All in all, I am losing out to the world. Family - they think I am useless. Friends - I don't find time (nor do they have time) to meet. Office - where I just cannot be myself. Love - which doesn't even exist. This isn't the life I want to lead.

Sometimes, I just feel like escaping. Like running away from the reality. And never coming back.

I know a lot of people around me would judge me on this post but lemme tell them that I just don't care. I wrote this post because I wanted to take it out from my heart and I don't care who reads it. And I didn't write it to remove it form my blog later. I have said what I wanted to and I ain't talking to anybody about it. Period.

To add fuel to the fire, lemme tell you that I missed the rain that came just a while ago. I was so busy whining that I didn't realize it was raining. And by the time I noticed, it was almost over. I missed it. But before it had started raining I was listening to this song on YouTube :

Aate jaate hanste gaate 
Socha tha maine mann mein kai baar
Vo pehli nazar halka sa asar
Karta hai kyon is dil ko bekaraar
Ruk ke chalna chalke rukna
Na jaane tumhein hai kiska intezaar
Tera vo yakeen kahin main to nahin
Lagta hai yahi kyon mujhko baar baar
Yehi sach hai shaayad maine pyaar kiya
Haan haan tumse maine pyaar kiya

Here, enjoy the song and lift up your mood

And this one too

Enjoy people...

I am feeling much better but I have lost my appetite.

Maybe, I'll just take a nap..

Wish

2010-07-10T00:00:00.000+05:30

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 12; the twelfth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Star light, Start bright

First star I see tonight

I wish I may, I wish I might

Have the wish I wish tonight

Standing in the balcony, he gave a dirty look to the stars above. Though it was already 8 o'clock in the night but he could still see a tinge of blue and he cursed the stars even more for giving light to the otherwise dark and dull sky. That was unfair. Nobody deserved the light more than he did and yet everybody managed to get everything and he was left alone. Life had been unfair to him.

He hummed the star light star bright rhyme again. It must have been the thousandth time that he repeated it that day. He had no clue what reminded him of the nursery rhyme that he always sang as a kid, but it did leave a lingering effect on him when he first sang it in the morning, probably after 55 years. But he had to agree that he felt young again. Like a kid. All he wanted to do was sing and jump but his knees felt wobbly. This time he cursed his low blood pressure for making him feel older than he was. At 60, he could barely walk.

He turned his back, the enormous expanse of darkness now stood behind him. He was now facing his penthouse apartment at the top of the high rise building, perhaps the highest in the entire Vancouver city. He sat down on the chair in the balcony

Today, Harsh felt lonely. He wished, he was back in his own country. Among his own people. His wife. His children. Canada had given him billions, more than what his wife and his three children could live on. He had built an estate single handedly and the years spent away from home were very dear to him. But not anymore. Now that his worth was in billions, he wanted to go back. But there were hungry scavengers waiting for him with blood-shot eyes, ready to pounce on him at the mere sight of the green bucks. They wouldn't care if he was dead or alive. All they wanted was his money. They hardly called him up to inquire about his health. But he couldn't blame his children for anything. He was their culprit. In his greed to make money, he had desolated them when they needed him the most. And today, he couldn't blame them for they had inherited his greed. Life father, like sons.

Harsh Karekar, the name that was worth $17 billion, had absolutely no worth when it came to his personal life. The man who had come to Canada with absolutely nothing in hand but a dream in his eyes to make it big, had every bit of money today but still had a feeling of emptiness inside.

A small tear escaped from his eyes as his past hovered over him. He remembered his plight when he was a kid. His father worked as a driver, earning a meagre amount of Rs. 400 a month. He had never let his low income affect Harsh' life. When Harsh was 7 years old, he had a wish to own a bicycle just like his dad's employer's son had. The very next day, he saw one parked outside their house, perhaps the only one in the entire village. Harsh was a keen learner. He was sent to an English-medium school only because his father did not want his son to lead a life that he was deprived of. When Harsh turned 17, he wished to study further, something that was uncommon in their society. His father did not have money to send to him to the university. But he was wanted to fulfill his son's wish and sent to the university to study science with the money he got by selling his mother's jewellery. Harsh was sharp. He grasped everything that was taught to him. His father never felt that he had made a wrong decision. He was always proud of Harsh. He made every effort to provide Harsh with all that he wished for, no matter how difficult it was and how expensive it was. Harsh was always a good boy.

But a man who knows more than others becomes ambitious. And Harsh became over ambitious. His over ambitiousness made him hungry for money. Love was definitely not a solution to subside his hunger. He wanted money. Pure money. He married a homely girl who studied at the same university as he did, only her dad was richer and ofcourse it showed him the simplest route for earning some quick money. In a span of 10 years, he was done with his MBA, had a stable job and had three good looking sons. But Harsh had plans which no one knew about. Not even his wife. His sons did not excite him nor did they ignite a feeling a love in him. He left them and came to Canada, a city that had made his dreams come true. And today he had money. Lots of it. And it was all his. But after 30 years of running behind money, he had no one else in his life but the crisp notes that couldn't buy him any happiness.

Harsh stood up from the chair and took his place near the railing. The sky was full of stars. Stars that would have carried his wish. His wish would have come true if he had not looked at the sky with a look so devil that the stars turned their back towards him. He wished to go back to his family. He wanted to see his cheerful wife, whom he had not seen for the last 30 years. He wanted to hold her close and make up for the lost 30 years that she had spent in his absence. He wanted to hug his three sons, whom he had met barely a couple of times. He knew that his sons hated him. They did not want to meet him. All they wanted was his money. He was ready to give them all his money. He wished he could turn back the time. The time when his sons were young and in need of a father. He wanted to play with his sons, one thing that they were deprived of. He instantly remembered his father, who had never let him feel that they were poor. He remembered his bicycle. He had no clue whether his sons got one or not. He never bothered to know. But today, he wanted to buy the best bicycles for his sons. He wanted to teach them how to ride a bicycle. And when they fall down from it, he wanted to hug them and say," its just a minor scratch". He wanted to see his sons grow up. He tried to remember the names of the schools and colleges they went to. Sadly, he couldn't remember any. In his greed, he had forgotten everything that had to do with his small family. His sons were now grown ups, two of whom were married too. He didn't know whether he had any grandchildren. He just wanted to go back.

This was his little wish.

He looked up at the sky. He saw the stars again. This time, he cursed them all the more for they wouldn't carry his wish and make it come true. He started singing the star light star bright rhyme again, this time a little louder than before. Star light, star bright. First star I see tonight. Still looking at the sky, he started counting the stars in his mind. I wish I may, I wish I might. He heaved in a sigh of relief. Have the wish I wish tonight. Saying this, he jumped from the balcony of his penthouse leaving his entire estate to his beloved children, his last wish unknown to them all and to be burned along with his corpse.

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton.

Why do people betray?

2010-07-06T22:16:00.000+05:30

I am a regular reader of the column Inner Voice that comes in The Hindustan Times. There have been very few instances when I have disagreed with the fine words of wisdom written in this column. And today was one such day when I couldn't get myself to agree. In today's article, the columnist talked about what makes people betray. Not that I completely disagree with him but there are other reasons which may cause betrayal more than anything else.

In the column, the focus was on three basic reasons which lead to betrayal. They are as follows :

1) Excessive ambition, lust, greed or passion, which when not controlled, makes room for betrayal.

2) The feeling that betrayal is necessary to achieve a greater good. In this case, the betrayal is done for a good cause.

3) When people want to prove how smart they are.

If you want to read the full article, click here.

Okay, apart of the second reason, I totally agree with the columnist. See, betrayal is not a good thing. It is always considered to be a negative circumstance which erupts when a relationship turns bad or it has no future. It can never be done for a good cause. And if at all it is done to bring good to others, then I would call it a compromise and definitely not a betrayal.

Now, what set me thinking was that there is something else that causes a person to betray and it is because of that reason that the above mentioned reasons hold true. All I mean to say is that there is a key factor which aggravates a person to betray. And that key factor depends on the kind of relationship that two people share. I am a keen believer of the fact that a distance relationship does not work in the long run. No, that is not the end of my statement. A distance relationship does not work in the long run unless, I repeat, unless the love is continually infused into the relationship by the two people in it. The love must not die. And the love will not die if the two people are constantly in touch and are vocal enough about their relationship and their love for each other. Please, lets not talk about how long distance relationships worked in the past when there were no telephones, emails, facebook and chat messengers. Times have changed and so have our preferences and our way of thinking.

In very simple words, you cannot expect a relationship to work if either of the person feels dejected or does not put in an extra effort which is needed for obvious reasons. It's quite easy to understand actually. When you are together or in the same city, you do not feel his / her absence even if the number of calls and meetings are less. But as the distance increases, the meeting will be reduced considerably which needs to be compensated with the telephone calls or chat messages. And if they are not, the attention which you used to get somehow drops to a bare minimum and eventually you start seeking attention from other sources. That is when betrayal comes in.

Basically, I wanted to say that the absence of love in a relationship forces a person to betray. Take my word on that. Experience, huh..!!

Gah..!! I think I am getting too philosophical.

My Sins against Gender-Stereotypes

2010-07-03T21:38:00.001+05:30

I saw this tag on TBG's blog. And thought of taking it up even though I wasn't tagged.

If you are a woman,

Have you ever wanted something that is considered ‘manly’ ? Like a basketball, a cell phone, a dog, a camera or a new laptop? A new car or motor bike? Ever wanted to be a pilot? A doctor or not a nurse? And the manliest want of them all – The remote!
As a kid did you enjoy playing with a bat and a ball?
There was a time when books were considered ‘manly’, women authors had to pretend to be men – would you say books are still rather manly – women should want to embroider and crochet?

If you are a man,

Have you ever wanted something that only women are supposed to want – like bags, shoes, clothes, creams, perfumes, babies, flowers? A peaceful home and a happy family? Have you ever been afraid of the dark or of insects?
As a kid did you ever want to play ‘teacher-teacher’, cooking or did you like playing with a doll? Have you ever enjoyed cooking? Bought something in pink? Loved chocolates?

I am supposed to mention 10 things that I have ever wanted which shouldn't really be a trait of a woman.

So here it goes.

1) I hate pink. I am not one those girls who goes like, "awwwwww pink" on seeing anything of that colour be it a dress, lip colour, earings, bags, colour of the walls or even a pen. I like hues of blue, green and (I warn u, don't be shocked) grey. I love grey. I still don't understand how people wear pink (this one is for guys too). Actually, to tell you the truth, I cannot stand baby pink. Anything in that colour is despised by me and I own absolutely nothing in this colour. If at all I have anything in pink then it is in a dark fuschia pink, which is more like it. But I would still prefer grey to pink. Eagerly.

2) I like playing the man's role when I am out with a guy. I am the one who is more than keen to order a drink and sit at the bar (okay, sometimes it isn't comfortable so I just let it skip). I don't mind paying if it is a date. Infact, I wouldn't agree if the guy pays. It feels great when you take a guy out for lunch rather than he taking you out. And I love buying gifts for guys even thought there aren't many options available.

3) I hate cooking. This is something which I just don't wan't to learn. I know that once I get married, it will be needed for sure but for now, lets not talk about it.

4) Cars and speed go hand in hand when it comes to me. If I come across a handsome dude driving one of the best cars around, my eyes tend to miss his handsomeness. I would rather look at the car, the guy definitely comes in later when my mind starts calculating what would it take to get to that car. And you know what, I love speeding. Whenever I get on a nice wide road, my excitement shows on the accelerator. I don't drive like the other women drivers who hold on to the steering wheel with both their hands and raise their head a little in order to see the road ahead. I don't do that. I love driving with one arm resting on the window and the other one on the steering wheel. And And And. I love driving with loud music playing in my car.

5) I generally don't spend time staring at my wardrobe and deciding what to wear and what not to wear. I just pick up whatever is on the top and I am done. I don't spend hours introspecting and contemplating what would look good on me. I just need 5 mins after my shower and I am done. Ready to hop out.

6) I love to hear guys talk. Atleast they don't talk about earings and purses and sandals and nail paints. Frankly, I have very little to contribute when a group of girls talk about their clothes. I am more interested in whats going on with the computer, the mobile phones, the cars and gadgets in general.

7) I just cannot remember who wore what in what party and when was it repeated and what people had to say about it. Gah..!! I hate that. I, fucking, cannot remember anybody's clothes and their designs and colours. I am half concerned about that. I don't care if some girl made some weird hairstyle and turned up yet again with the same funny looking thing on her head. I am so not concerned.

8) I don't talk like girls. Forget about the content, even my way of talking resembles the way guys talk. I generally don't beat around the bush trying to explain one simple thing. I say it and its done. No thinking about it. I'll give you an example which once I discussed with two other friends of mine (one was a guy and the other one was a girl, just for name sake). We were talking about how both the genders talk when it comes to disclosing the details about their relationship. For instance, a guy if he is talking about sex, then he would talk about sex and nothing else. He would concentrate on everything related to his experience. On the contrary, a girl would give in details which are so not relevant. It doesn't really matter what she lip gloss she wore and what colour were her nails painted when she had sex. She'll talk about everything else except the topic. Grrr..!! That really gets on my nerves.

9) I am not a neatness freak. The only thing I need is a clean bathroom and a neat bed. I can go without dusting my room. And I wouldn't mind if I have a pile of clothes ready for laundry.

10) You'll always find me wearing loose fitting clothes. I love wearing kurtas but I generally team them up with a pair of jeans. I simply cannot handle the churidars and the dupatta. It is now that I have learned how to wear a churidar properly and I still goof up specially in those party wear suits. I wish I could just wear simple trousers/jeans and kurta everywhere.

Now I am supposed to tag 12 people

1) Nipun
2) Renu
3) Atul
4) Supriya
5) Atul
6) Sepo
7) Vandy
8) Mehak
9) Sakshi
10)Rashmi
11)Chitz
12)Shivani

And if you like this tag and you haven't been tagged, feel free to take it up just like i did.. :)

A life that I want

2010-07-01T20:55:00.000+05:30

I don't know how I am going to tell you this but I would try to explain in the best possible words. Something happened to me while I was sitting in the office today. I mean, I just wanted the time to stop around me. You know, like the way they show in the movies. Everything around you comes to a stand still and you are the only one moving. Or better still, everything around you is moving at its regular pace and you are the one who stops then and there. I know, I am not able to explain the exact feeling I had but I just wanted to be alone that very moment. I just wanted to walk out and drive back home with loud music playing in the car, not enjoying the music alone but the weather too.

Guys, you know what, I have this burning desire to live a very simple life. I was just trying to imagine myself in it. A life in which there is nothing much to think about. A life in which I do not have to deal with the complexities that otherwise come free with the surroundings and the people living in it. I don't just want a simple life, but a simple mind too.

I have an image in my mind of a simple life. And that is something I crave for. Yes, crave is the right word. Hunger is what I can relate it too. A hunger to make my life simple.

I often imagine myself living in a house all by myself. A house built the way I want it to be. Every nook and corner to be decorated according to my likings. I yearn to be lost in my thought probably working on a story, a piece of fiction. Sitting in the balcony, I watch the rain drops as they fall upon the leaves making them look greener and more fresh. While I sip my coffee, I let my mind wander in all directions guided by emotions that make a person smile and yet leaves a mark by bringing a tear to the eye. I want to feel the emotions and not just watch them go by. I want to feel the pain. I want to feel the happiness. I want to feel all that I see everyday.

I want to enjoy the rain which I haven't done for the past 10 years. A dance in the rain would make me happy and that happiness is what I want to feel. Perhaps, I want my tears to flow as the rain drops fall on my face. I want to feel that sorrow too. I want to live in a place where nobody would stare at my t-shirt getting wet and transparent while I stand in the rain. I just want to spend some time alone. A time that I can spend understanding emotions in their purest form.

I want to watch children play. I want to hear the birds chirp. I want to smell the fragrance that comes from the wet mud. I want to hear the oceans roar. I want to watch the sun set beyond the horizon. I want to feel the wind blowing against my face. I want to sit silently thinking about nothing in particular. I want to enjoy that very moment to the fullest.

I know, a lot of people might not really understand what I actually want. All I can say is that I do not want to sit in the front of the computer working all day in a closed office space where the mind does nothing but think about money. I don't want to be surrounded by bills and invoices and documents and all the paper work that we do in a usual office setup. Thats not what I want to live for. It is not the life that I could have imagined ever. It is not the life that would leave me content.

Its not that I want to live alone all my life. Like every other person, I want to get married. I too want to spend my life with a man who loves me more than he has ever loved anyone before. I want to have my own children. But there is something I want to do before I have my own family. I want to live my life alone. It does not mean that I will not stay in touch with anyone, not even my parents. Hell, no. Thats not it. But I want to go to a place where people don't know me. I want to spend time thinking. All alone. I want to do all those things which wouldn't be possible after I get married. I want to go to a place where a woman can walk peacefully and not fear being stalked on the way. I just want to live life my own way.

And if I still don't make sense to you, go watch Wake Up Sid. You know what, when I saw this movie I had this feeling that the makers of this movie have read my mind. It is so much similar to my own desires. I just wish my life could be like that of Konkona Sen in the movie.

Watch this song and see my emotions flow through